South Gate
Today, my boyfriend's ex-wife Facebooked me to inform me that they were still married and he was still sleeping with her. I've been living with him for the past month. FML
Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML
Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML
Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML
Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because she said I was more of a woman than she was. I yelled out, "I HATE YOU!" and started to cry. She then took a tampon out of her purse, handed it to me, laughed, and walked away. FML
Today, my parents switched phone companies, which changed the phone number. Two days ago, I dropped off over 15 job applications with my 'old' number on all of them. There is a waiting period before I can reapply anywhere. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to get out of the shower. Bored, I sent my friend a picture of myself pretending to make out with his bear rug. After the photo shoot, I looked in the doorway to find his dad staring at me. FML
Today, my mother got remarried. I am now officially older than my step-father. FML
Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML
Today, I moved back in with my parents in order to help them with the mortgage, so they don't lose the house that has been in our family for three generations. I also found out that I now have a curfew, and so does my husband and our 3 year old son. FML
Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML
Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML
Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML
Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML
Today, I found my mother in tears, so I asked her what was wrong. She told me, "It's your father, he wants a divorce..." I asked if he'd met another woman, and my mom replied "No, not a woman..." FML
Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML
Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML
Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML
Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML
Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML
Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML
Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML
Today, I sprained my knee while going down on one knee to propose to my girlfriend. She laughed as I rolled in pain. I still haven't gotten an answer. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML
Today, my friends staged an intervention. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, and I own my own house. My car is paid for and my job pays well. Apparently, I need an intervention because my life is not where they want it to be, which involves me being married with children. FML
Today, I'm staying in a hotel where the lights are automatic. They turn on when something moves and turn off when everything is still. I'm a sensitive sleeper and I move in my sleep, so the light wakes me up. It's currently 2 a.m. and all together I've gotten about 20 minutes of sleep. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored, I made a "to do" list for the week in my head. FML
Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML
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