Monsieur Pheonix, United Stateds Célibataire
Today, I realized that every targeted advertisement on my Facebook involves gym memberships and diet pills. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML
Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw a brick down the laundry-chute. Guess who spent the night at the hospital. FML
Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML
Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML
Today, I was sitting in the park with my new dog; I got her from the pound last week. We were enjoying the sun when I noticed that every time a black person walked past, she'd bark like crazy. Great, my dog is a racist. FML
Today, my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase being dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate, "Who raised you to be such a pig?" Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question. FML
Today, I woke up with a used condom on my face. Turns out my roommate had sex with his girlfriend during the night and instead of getting up and throwing it away, he decided to throw it across the room. FML
Today, I got a coworker at my new job in trouble, because he kept harassing me and asking me out, even after I clearly told him I wasn't interested. Turns out he's very popular around here, and everyone now hates me for being a trouble-maker and not "taking a compliment." FML
Today, someone stole the massive pumpkin I've been painstakingly growing all year. What did they do with it? They put it in the middle of a busy intersection. FML
Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML
Today, I fell down the stairs and landed heavily on my foot. Because I wasn't crying, my mom refused to take me to the hospital. It took me an hour of agony to convince her. It turned out to be broken in three different places. FML
Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML
Today, at around 11 p.m., the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML
Today, while working, a woman complained that she didn't ask for sauce on her sandwich. After examining the sandwich, I realized it was just melted cheese. When I told her, she threw the sandwich at me. FML
Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML
Today, I was involved in a 5-way conversation about the movie Inception. I nodded and agreed with things that were said, but couldn't admit that despite having seen it 4 times, I still haven't the foggiest idea of how to explain what it's about. FML
Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML
Today, after complaining that I had nothing to write about in my weekly journal for college, my professor suggested in front of everyone that I should get a girlfriend. FML
Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML
Today, I've been a vegan for a year. It's also the day that I met my dad's new best friend, who happens to be a retired butcher. They tried to pull an intervention on me for not "being sensible" by eating meat. FML
Today, after having tried for months to get a promotion at work, I finally had an interview for a higher position. Everything went great, and I was told I would get a call next week for my second interview. I went back to my desk, only to get an email stating they're canceling the position. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my cat meowing, with her dilated vagina in my face, giving birth to her first litter of kittens. FML
Today, while walking down the hall of my old school, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Behind the faculty parking lot where I parked my truck, two students were having sex on my tailgate. FML
Today, my neighbors discovered Gangnam Style. Ever since I moved in, they've had an obsession with getting wasted by noon and blasting out shitty music all through the evening. I could just about deal with their dubstep fixation before, but now I just want to blow my own head off. FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML
Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML
Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML
Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML
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