FweakofCydonia

Today, I had to go down to the county police department to bail out my kids who thought it would be a good idea to try mugging an ice cream truck driver. FML

Oh Lawd, he coming

Today, a small kid looked at me, screamed in terror, and hid behind his dad. I was just walking down the same aisle in the store. This is far from the first time it's happened. FML

Caught red handed

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML

Today, I had to use a dictionary before I realized I was being flirted with. FML

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

Today, I had phone sex with my boyfriend. He had an asthma attack. FML

Happy America Day Mofos!

Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail because he started a fight with a guy who didn't like owls. FML

Today, I had to explain to my neighbours that I wasn't "watching porn" earlier, and that I was honestly just watching an episode of Game of Thrones. FML

Today, after leaving my workplace, I realized that I forgot some important work papers. When I went back to get them, I was faced with the sight of my boss and a coworker getting it on against my desk. FML

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

Today, I complained to my two roommates about housework not being done. They both put their hands over their ears and started screaming at the top of their voice. They do this pretty much whenever I say anything to them. FML

My new BFF

Today, my wife got a new best friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

Today, my dad finally added me on Facebook, When I looked through his photos, I quickly noticed he'd heavily photoshopped the photos I'm in to make me look prettier. FML

Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML

Today, I spent nearly an hour helping a customer pick out an engagement ring. I rang him up, picked out a super cute box for the ring, and wished him luck. Later I realized I never put the ring inside the box. FML

Ouchie

Today, I felt a horrible pain while having sex with my wife, and I had to stop. I thought it was a hernia or something, but she called me a liar and accused me of everything from not finding her attractive, to me cheating on her. It turned out I had appendicitis. She still won't apologize. FML

Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

Today, my parents continue comparing me to my "perfect" friend. He smokes dope, is a compulsive thief, and has gone to juvie numerous times. I'm passing school with flying colors and have never been in any trouble with the law. Apparently I should be more like him. FML

Today, I received a bunch of flowers from my 'lover'. This would be fine, except that I don't have a lover, and my boyfriend now thinks I'm cheating. FML

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

Today, it's been about 8 months since I moved into my studio flat. It was already furnished, there was no bed but a fancy bedseat from Ikea. I slept uncomfortably on it for months until I realised it pulls out to become a double bed. FML

Today, I fractured two ribs from coughing. My doctor told me to stop coughing, or I would fracture them more. I have bronchitis. FML

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

Freudian slip

Today, my boyfriend called me by his mother's name for the 100th time. I'm a guy. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML