Mademoiselle Hong Kong
Today, I found out that my overprotective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML
Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML
Today, I woke up at 3am to go to work. This will be my new routine from now on. FML
Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML
Today, I was painting my mom's house, which so far had taken 12 hours over two days. All of a sudden there was a wind storm. All of the leaves stuck to the wet paint. FML
Today, I called my mom to tell her that I'm coming over for a visit. She answered: 'Why? What do you need? Food? Money? I'm not going to help you! You're a grown woman!' And she hung up. I just found out that I'm pregnant and she was the first person I wanted to share it with. FML
Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML
Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML
Today, my new iPhone was stolen from my school locker. After canceling my service, sobbing, having my mom yell at the secretary for their lack of security and finally agreeing to change to a private school, I found it in the corner of my locker. FML
Today, my five year-old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML
Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me because he wanted some independence. He moved back into his parents' house. FML
Today, after spending time with my daughter and painting her nails she gives me a hug and says, "Mommy I love you, but I love daddy much better!" FML
Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML
Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft, and practice frequently. FML
Today, my girlfriend said I looked like ET and made me pose next to a full scale model of him while she took a picture. She's showing her friends the picture and they agree. FML
Today, I spent about 10 minutes searching frantically for my cell phone, while holding it up to my ear and talking to my friend about my plans tonight. FML
Today, I saw a father and son playing football in a car park as I was on my way to work. The ball rolled towards me, so feeling nice, I kicked it back to them. Turns out it went straight through their car window. FML
Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML
Today, I rode the public bus. When I got off, I put my hood up only to discover that the old man who sat behind me had used my hood as a trashcan for his gum and used Kleenex. I can't get the gum out of my hair. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML
Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML
Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML
Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. He laughed at me and said, "That's hilarious because I was going to ask you if you could take a pay cut!" FML
Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML
Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML
Today, my dad informed me that my prom dress makes me look chubby from the side, gives me "back fat", and that I wouldn't want to go to prom looking like that. I tried to ignore his hurtful comments and tell myself I was beautiful. Then the clasp broke. FML
Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML
Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML
Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML
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