KingPinkiepie

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why being with a girl while being with me is cheating. FML

Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML

Reasons to be cheerful, pt. 4

Today, I got fired via text. The last sentence was, "Wish you the best, take care!" FML

Manager of the year

Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn't at work, to which I responded, "Because you fired me yesterday." He didn't say anything, and hung up. FML

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she thought I was cheating on her. With my own sister. FML

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

Snitched

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

Keep it down

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via the medium of free-style rapping. FML

Caught red-handed

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

Bored

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided that he didn't need a real job. He wants to sell pot for a living. Or hang drywall. He can't decide. FML

Oddly specific

Today, I got home to find our house broken into. Among other things, the thieves took our television, my laptop and several pieces of expensive jewelry. Also missing was my daughter's My Little Pony collection. I think we were robbed by a Brony. FML

Ironic, isn't it?

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

Grooming

Today, after a lot of begging, I finally convinced my husband to shave all of his pubes off. Now I can't even look at it without laughing, and he's mad at me for making him do it. FML

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

Even more lonely now

Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be all alone in this big house." FML

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up… except my fiancé. FML

Classic blunder

Today, I found out my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited, so I asked her why. She replied, "What birthday party?" It was a surprise birthday party. FML

Today, I was told the Mandarin greeting that my new Chinese friends at school taught me was not really a greeting at all. I've been proclaiming "I'm a dumb bitch" every time I've greeted them, almost every day for the past month. FML

Today, I received an email from my girlfriend listing 10 ways to stop premature ejaculation. Subtle. FML

Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML

Doofus

Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head. FML

Today, I finally got the chance to meet this wonderful guy I met on a dating site. She was very excited to see me, too. FML

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML