KingPinkiepie

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend. Things got a little hot and I started to pull up my shirt. She screamed and told me to stop because the innocence of her stuffed animals was at stake. We are 18, and she was dead serious. FML

Today, I lost my virginity. It took all of 30 seconds. FML

Not you

Today, I got an alert from Facebook that it was my very popular and attractive classmate's birthday. I decided to be sweet and write "Happy birthday" on her wall, only to notice it wasn't there a few minutes later. I rewrote it again and it disappeared. After three attempts, I took the hint. FML

Lost in the sauce

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

Today, I got a 95 on my term project. To congratulate me, my boyfriend said we're having sex tonight. I only get laid if I get good grades. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend thinks I'm too high maintenance because I have a chronic illness which requires frequent hospitalization. FML

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

Today, I went to the drive-through and ordered 5 cheeseburgers. I told the cashier that some of them were for my girlfriend. I don't have a girlfriend, and I ate all of them by myself. FML

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year-old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

Today, I was watching a movie. The ending was sad and I started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend sitting beside me kept looking back and forth between me and the TV, so I asked what he was doing. He replied with, 'I don't know which one is better to watch.' FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

Today, my daughter got engaged. Her fiancé is not only 25 years older than her, but was her teacher in middle school. FML

Today, I saw that my ex-boyfriend was online and had no plans. I felt extreme happiness knowing he had no life. Then I realized that I was online and had no plans. FML

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to re-enact a scene from Family Guy. He locked me in the car with him and farted deadly ones repeatedly. He wouldn't let me out until I learned to "love the gas." FML

Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, "What are the cupcakes for?" FML

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

Today, after volunteering all day at the homeless shelter, I was mugged on my way to my car. FML

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me telling me she's pregnant. FML

Blackout

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck, and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

Good catch

Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML

PRAISE THE LORD!

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

Today, my 15 year-old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML