Mademoiselle En couple
Today, I was strolling along a sidewalk when I noticed that my shoelace was untied. As I knelt down to tie it, my brand new $1,000 phone fell out of my pocket and into a storm sewer. FML
Today, at work, someone peed in the fitting room, after I told her she could not use the employee toilet. FML
Today, my principal made me visit "anti-violence" classes because I had a picture of me threatening a man with a gun on my Facebook page. It was taken during the school play, where I was acting as a gangster and the gun was just a toy. The principal saw the play. FML
Today, while getting my eyebrows waxed, the girl pulled off a strip and screamed, "Susan!" The owner came over and gave a look of pure disgust before saying, "Oh honey, you need to focus. Just give her 5% off." My whole eyebrow was gone. FML
Today, after almost a year of working two jobs, I managed to save up $2,000. I decided to treat myself to a week in Japan, but while walking to the Japanese Embassy to exchange my dollars for yen, I got robbed at gunpoint. I had the money in cash. FML
Today, after my first date with a med student, I went back to his. Things were getting hot and he asked if he could practise body examinations on me. I agreed, thinking he was going to role play, but he then proceeded to do actual joint and muscle examinations for a whole hour. FML
Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband had the audacity to ask if the woman he cheated on me with could be in the delivery room while I give birth to our baby. FML
Today, after boarding my flight, the flight attendant looked at me and said that I had to sit elsewhere because I had to be over 14 to sit near the emergency exit. I'm 22. FML
Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML
Today, I was sexting my girlfriend when I accidentally sent one to my swim team’s group chat. This means that 19 men got a picture of me flexing with everything on display. Worst part? I got more compliments from them than I ever got from my girlfriend. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went to a shop known for its hardcore sex toys. We happened to run into one of my university lecturers and her wife discussing butt plugs with a member of staff, and then saw my aunt and uncle at the register. FML
Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML
Today, at an 8 a.m. spin class, I knelt on the floor to set up my bike. The bike next to me was too close, and while the girl on it was pedaling to warm up, she pedaled down hard onto my heel, breaking my ankle. FML
Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML
Today, it was my best friend's birthday, so we all went out for drinks. She had a little too much and needed to be picked up so I opened her phone and called "bae." That's when I found out that not only does my husband have a second phone, but he's also cheating on me with my "best friend." FML
Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML
Today, my husband accused me of cheating on him and demanded to look through my phone. When he found nothing, he admitted to having his first gay experience this weekend and just wanting something to “even the field” before telling me. FML
Today, I was having sex with a guy I really liked when he suddenly stopped and, while still inside of me, told me that he didn't "do relationships". FML
Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML
Today, I installed a doggie door at my wife’s grandmother’s house. I was putting the door back on the hinges when I realized I had put it at the very top of the door instead of the bottom. I’m now trying to turn this hole into a window. FML
Today, my brother texted me a picture of his "upcoming disconnect" notice for his utility bill and asked if I could loan him the money to pay it. All I could give him was a picture of my "disconnected" notice. FML
Who else is ready to take a personal day with this dog?
Today, I went on a blind date with a girl. I was trying to be funny and joked, "I've never been on a blind date because I was afraid my date would be blind." She started crying because she's visually impaired and had just built up the courage to start dating. FML
Today, I had a few drinks with a female friend after having a bad week. I got so wasted that I wound up ending the night by giving my boyfriend a rimjob. He thoroughly enjoyed it and thinks it's going to be a regular thing now. FML
Today, at 7 months pregnant, I dealt with migraines, body aches, and morning sickness. In my rush to the bathroom, I couldn't get my dog out of the way and puked on his back. Now he needs a bath, but wet dog makes me more nauseous. FML
Today, I turned twenty two. Three days ago I was fired. Two days ago I failed a midterm. Yesterday my boyfriend and I broke up. Happy birthday to me. FML
Today, I found out that I’m the only guy in my family that's circumcised. When I asked my parents why they did it, they told me that they wanted me to be “different”. I have 3 older brothers and 5 older cousins. I finally get their helmet jokes. FML
Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML
Today, I found my lost cat. As I was hooking it up to a leash to get it in my car, a man approached and asked what I was doing. His kids alerted him that there was a woman stealing their cat from their front lawn. It was not my cat. FML
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