Canadian0622

Today, I saw my two-year-old son trying to floss his teeth. He was using an earthworm. FML

Today, while on the skytrain, a woman leaned on the railing bar that I was holding onto, crushing my hand. My first instinct was to move my hand when she turned around and began loudly yelling at me for, "Touching her waist" and "Sexually harassing" her. FML

Hidden secret

Today, I was with my boyfriend. He got up, shut the blinds and turned around to say, "I don't usually shut the blinds, but no one can see this." Assuming we were going to have sex, I took my pants off. He asked me what I was doing, then sat down to eat an entire tub of ice cream. FML

Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML

Today, while working at a bank, I helped a customer who was making a large withdrawal. After I counted out his money, I asked "Do you want the strap on?" After a moment of awkward silence, as I realized how that came out, he smiled and said, "No thanks, I don't need one." and winked. Great. FML

Today, while taking my toddler for a walk with the dog, he threw a tantrum and rammed one well-aimed finger directly up the poor dog's pooper. FML

Pure evil

Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML

Today, I was threatened with eviction over $6.25. They waited three days to tell me and left me one business day to get it done. Six fucking dollars and 25 goddamn cents. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated. We were having a lot of fun until I decided I wanted to be on top. He instantly got soft. FML

Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on the subway. FML

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

Today, I went to a McDonald's drive-thru in just a shirt and underwear, thinking I wouldn't be seeing anyone. I got into a car crash. FML

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my boss's words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML

Today, I found out my landlord has bought himself a new boat. He refuses to turn up the heating to save money. I'm freezing. FML

Today, my parents are forcing me to go to an insanely conservative, Christian private school. I'm gay. This is going to be a long year. FML

Today, my sister made a comment about my small boobs. I told her I'm actually a C cup, and she told me she "can't even C them". I just got roasted with a fucking pun. FML

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public bathroom. As I was about to put the tampon into the sanitary bin, I dropped it and it rolled under the stall next to mine. It was occupied. FML

Cheap and gross

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

Throbbing

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

Today, I was the only girl in gym class who couldn't lift the weight, and the only one to fart multiple times during the attempt. FML

Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML

Today, I was diagnosed with chronic vomiting. I've gone to 7 doctors and tried 13 different medicines, with none of them working. I've gone to therapy and taken up yoga with no change. So apparently, throwing up daily at random times is the new normal for me. Yay. FML

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

Today, weeks after I paid extra for faster shipping, I received confirmation that my paperwork for overseas voting has been received. Too bad the deadline in my state was yesterday. Thanks, Postal Service, for the consistency of your failures. FML

Today, I climbed to the top of the tallest building in my city with this guy I really like. He spotted the girl he had a crush on, and wouldn't shut up about her for the rest of the night. FML

Today, I complimented a guy on his Van Gogh costume. As it turns out, he had an infection in his ear. FML

Today, while sitting down on the dentist's chair, the tooth to be removed came out on its own. I still had to pay $50 for the cotton and advice. FML

Brain melt

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

Today, after weeks of being addicted to Bejeweled Blitz, I couldn't stop thinking about it while having sex with my girlfriend. FML