LadyKayDee

Today, after several hours of trying to get my triplet daughters to go to bed, they finally fell asleep. Exhausted, I went to the bathroom so I could go to bed. Not thinking about it, I dropped the toilet seat down rather loudly and flushed the toilet. All three girls woke up crying. FML

Today, I was meeting my husband's old friends at his 20 year high school reunion. He introduced me as his 'friend from work' to his ex girlfriend. FML

Never again

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

Policy of truth

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

Common issue

Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him, "Sorry about being such a jerk" in a reply to a mass email he'd sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 "It's okay" messages in my inbox. FML

Today, I found out that my friend makes more money than I do. She's a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall. I went to college for four years to get my job. FML

Today, during a snowstorm, I opened my car door to get out. The wind snapped it wide open, then immediately changed course and swung it back at me just as I stepped out, spilling an entire hot cup of coffee all over me. FML

Sorry, son

Today, a little boy called me, crying that "Grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say, "Wrong number." FML

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

Just a prank, bro

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

RIP it up and start again

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her men can't have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML

Heftychonk

Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

Today, I came home to find a window broken and my neighbours searching inside my house. Apparently, they'd heard a small child asking for help inside my house. I recently taught my dog to "talk." FML

Mixed signals

Today, I received a message on Facebook from a guy I've liked for a year. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, so I said yes. When I walked out to his car later on, he gave me a really confused look. Apparently I was on my brother's Facebook, and he'd never logged out. FML

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years said she was leaving me because recently I wasn't making much money, and was playing too many video games. I recently got a raise at my job of 5 years. The job? Testing video games. FML

Nice imagery

Today, I convinced my best friend to talk to the guy I like at work to find out if he was interested in me. She came back ten minutes later, and told me he said he'd never be able to date me. Apparently, kissing me "would be like making out with Mother Teresa's corpse." FML

Today, I let my brother borrow my car, as he had a job interview. I told him the tank was nearly empty and gave him $20 to put some petrol in it. Ten minutes later, he calls me, saying the car won't start. He filled it up with diesel. It's a petrol car. FML

Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML

Today, my boyfriend discovered that I fart when I'm tickled enough. The best part was when he decided to show his family. FML

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

Today, my mum read a forwarded email, and is now convinced that eating processed food will make my ovaries shrink and disappear. Now she goes batshit crazy if she sees me eating potato chips. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML