Hyperotretian

Today, my dad hid the toilet paper and is charging me 50 cents a roll. FML

Today, I can't attend an interview for a great job because I have an exam. An exam I need to pass in order to have a great job like the one I'm missing the interview for. FML

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

Today, my mother said she called our internet provider, and told them to cancel it. In rage, I left for a friends house for a couple of hours. When I got home, she told me she was joking, and wanted me out of the house so she could eat all the ice-cream. FML

Today, my boss told me I'm not working hard enough because I take French classes two mornings a week and therefore I won't be getting a promotion. If I want the promotion I have to stop taking my French classes. These are the same French classes I was told I originally needed for the promotion. FML

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

Double trouble

Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML

Meet the twins

Today, I walked out of my house, waved at my neighbors, walked through my front yard and into the side yard to turn off the sprinkler. It wasn't until I was back into the house that I remembered I wasn't wearing a top. FML

Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend decided to have a birthday party for me at this new bar. She texted the wrong address to all of my friends. They showed up at a computer store. FML

Today, feeling down and dejected because of the shitty weather and none of my friends or family wanting to spend time with me to feel loved I took my favorite stuffed animal and that says 'I love you' when you squeeze it. I squeezed it. Nothing happened. Even an inanimate object rejected me. FML

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the first time in a while. When he came over we realized that we had not only gotten the same haircut, but we were also wearing the same sweater. We are a matching old couple at 17. FML

Shit!

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know three hours ago, before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

Naptime

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

Today, I got excited because a snowman I had built lasted a whole week, which is uncommon in my mild climate area. I thought myself lucky, and that my life was turning around. Then I realized how lame my whole train of thought was. FML

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

Today, I asked out my best friend via facebook graffiti. He then accidentally wrote his rejection as his status instead of on my wall. More people liked his status than the number of friends I have on facebook. FML

Today, a guy commented on a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook, and said to please stop 'testing' him. He also messaged me saying how he wishes he could get a girlfriend like me, that I'm gorgeous, and that he wants to go out with me. I'm his cousin. FML

Today, after leaving work at 10 pm, I took a shortcut to the highway. After getting lost, my GPS informed me that the service was unavailable and I should try back in an hour. This occurred moments before I ran out of gas. FML

Today, I found out that my 50-year-old Father is the 'Sugar Daddy' to a 20-year-old. He wasted my college funds on her, which I have been dutifully saving for ever since I was 10. FML

Bored out of our minds

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML