Today, I found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person. If that wasn't bad enough, he also tells me he hopes I don't have it too, because it can be passed down. He said this because I'm 29 weeks pregnant. FML
Today, on my 21st birthday, a relative asked me if I was still engaged to the love of my life. The man I spent several years with, gave my virginity to, moved across the country for, who promised to marry me before my 21st, and who swore he was over his ex for good. No, but thanks for asking. FML
Today, I was giving a strip tease over Skype to my boyfriend. My mom walked in mid-way through, took a long look at me, said hi to my boyfriend, and walked out. FML
Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML
Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML
Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML
Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML
Today, I finally learned why the application of lasers, acids, liquid nitrogen and witchcraft never did any good on the huge warts on my hands. Apparently, it's a genetic disease and not a virus. For unknown reasons, I've recently grown the normal viral kind too. On my tongue. FML
Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML
Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML
Today, my teacher told me I wasn't pretty enough to play the princess part in the play. FML
Today, I bumped into an old school friend. I'd heard she was pregnant so the first thing I did was congratulate her. Not only was she not pregnant, but the reason she managed to get so fat was because of comfort eating due to her miscarriage last month. FML
Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML
Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to talk to a guy I secretly like. I was so nervous that instead of saying, "Hi, I'm Veronica," I said, "Veronica, I'm high." FML
Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML
Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML
Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML
Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was, "Don't, you'll regret it later." FML
Today, I woke up to find a parking ticket on my car. My car was in my driveway and the cop who wrote it is my ex-boyfriend. This is the third time. FML
Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML
Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML
Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML
Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML
Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML
Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML
Today, some kids stole all four wheels off my car. They were nice enough to leave a note and some money though, "for the bus". FML
Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML
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