Infernape667

Today, my business is doing so badly that people are teaching their kids to drive in the empty parking lot. FML

Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

Today, my older brother burst into my bedroom at 4 am to show me photos of sushi. FML

Today, while I was in the break room at work, one of my coworkers walked in on me playing with my animal crackers, complete with animal noises. Now, the entire department won't stop teasing me and calling me Tarzan. FML

Small mistake

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

Today, I was browsing some hardcore porn sites. My mum decided to barge into my room uninvited, so I quickly switched tabs. Unfortunately for me, all five other tabs were also parked on porn galleries. Now my computer and phone are confiscated, and I can only get online at the local library. FML

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML