pugwhale

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

Today, after trying unsuccessfully for three or so years to have a baby with my wife, my broodiness has gotten so bad that when I saw a couple with their daughter at the bus stop, I briefly had a daydream where I shot them in the head and took their daughter home to raise as my own. FML

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML

Bad timing

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my boyfriend that I wanted to go separate ways. Before I could say anything, he proposed. FML

Today, I had a heart attack. At the hospital, the doctor compared my heart to a stressed out 60 year-old's heart. I'm 17 and I don't even have a job yet. FML

He was a very good boy

Today, my girlfriend made me a chocolate cake to try and cheer me after my dog died. My dog died because my dad fed him chocolate. FML

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his mom for the very first time. After shaking my hand and looking me up and down, she loudly proclaimed, "She doesn't have the right hips to have kids." FML

Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML

Today, I donated a dollar to a kids charity at Lowe's. The cashier handed me a star to sign my name, I signed it and gave it back to her. She looked at me with disgust and asked what was wrong with me. I had to pull out my license to prove to her that my name is really Michael Myers. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

Today, I talked to my high school sweetheart after 12 years. He confessed that he's been single ever since we broke up, never got over me, and that to this day he loves me dearly. I'm a married mother of two. FML

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

Enjoyed yourself I see

Today, after lots of overcast weather, we opened the blinds to the children's section in the library, to let in the beautiful sunshine. Fifteen preschoolers were greeted by the sight of a used condom plastered against the window. FML

Barking up the wrong tree

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Drunkle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML

Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML

Today, thanks to the unholy power of autocorrect, I told my mother-in-law that "crispy dick" is on the menu tonight. FML

Today, due to summer Ramadan, we have 16 hour long fasts. Normally this is okay, except today I managed to sleep through both suhoor and iftaar. I haven't eaten for 36 hours. FML

Freakout

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

Today, after numerous attempts, my car door still wouldn't unlock. After going ballistic on the lock, the key broke off inside. I then realized it wasn't my car. FML

In vino veritas

Today, my husband invited his boss and his wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologised for its bad quality, saying somewhat annoyed, "Don't drink that, I'll go and look for another bottle." Unfortunately, it was our guests who had brought the wine in question. FML

Today, I was on a transatlantic flight, ear plugs in my ears. The steward walked past with a plastic bag. I threw my litter into it and didn't immediately understand why he said, "Very funny, sir." It wasn't a bin bag, he was collecting for Unicef. FML

Today, I aimed at the little blue thing placed at the bottom of the urinal. I learned the hard way that it splashes off it and makes little blue stains on jumpers. FML

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

Today, when I came home, my daughter's baby-sitter was busy smelling my thongs. FML

Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She went to try some clothes on and came out to ask for my opinion. "Hell no! That shirt is awful!" She wanted to show me the pants. The shirt was hers. FML

Today, my mother asked a woman at the clothing store we go to all the time when her baby was due. Turns out the woman isn't pregnant. FML