lexred

Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML

Get it on

Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML

Today, I was singing in the shower, when some suds from my shampoo fell into my mouth and down my throat. I retched and sputtered for about two minutes before finally throwing up. FML

I HATE MUSICALS!

Today, I dragged my boyfriend to see Les Misérables with me. He now refuses to communicate with me through any medium other than singing. Apparently, this is his revenge. FML

Today, I was taking a patient's blood pressure, and listening for his pulse with my stethoscope. I couldn't hear anything, so I adjusted the cuff and tried again. Still no pulse. He pointed out that my stethoscope was the wrong way around and sneered, "You been smokin' the reefer, boy?" FML

That's a hard no from me, dawg

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

Today, after I got turned down for yet another job, my dad glanced up at me and casually remarked that porn is always a stable market. FML

Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML

Emergency

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

Today, I passed my math test with flying colors. My dad thought I had cheated, so he emailed the school and told them that I had. They lowered my grade. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally succeeded in unhooking my bra with one hand, excitedly exclaiming, "Boobies be free!" FML

Today, I went to CVS to buy some tampons. The cashier said, "Ewwww... You're on your period." FML

Today, it's the 16th day of my period. FML

Kinda sus

Today, let's just say it's not always a good idea to storm into your mum's bedroom after hearing several loud slaps accompanied by yelps. What sounds like domestic violence might just be your mum and step-dad's foreplay. For Christ's sake, I need brain bleach. FML

Weird flex, but OK

Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML

Taking a stand

Today, I had to run for the train, but because of my bad foot and limping they held the train, much to people's displeasure. No one let me sit down, so for the 20 minute journey, I stood. With a bad foot. FML

Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML

Today, I was talking about an essay I'd written for a class that was due to be turned in online days ago. I thought mine was well written and I'd even finished it a couple of days early so I wouldn't forget about it. After a few minutes of talking and feeling proud, I realized that I forgot to turn it in. FML

Today, I found a folder on my boyfriend's computer called "Facebook". It turned out to be a collection of thousands of photos from his female friends' accounts. It was all sorted into folders like "Big Tits", "Blonde", "Cameltoe", "Feet", and "Jailbait". FML

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

Today, I was stretching on the balcony, when I heard my neighbor's daughter scream. She was playing in their kiddie pool and thought I was peeping on her. And now her parents think so too. FML

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

Today, my boyfriend said he was too tired to have sex with me because he'd spent the whole day jerking off. FML

Ass man

Today, my dad uttered the words, "You gotta admit, your mother's got one hell of an ass." FML