Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML
Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML
Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML
Today, I realized that I can tell how long it has been since I have been with a guy, by the length of my leg hair. FML
Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML
Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML
Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money, so I suggested he invent something. The first thing that came to his mind was an automatic animal masturbator. FML
Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML
Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML
Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML
Today, the girl I'm dating mentioned that she'd had her healthy wisdom teeth removed to prevent her future children from having wisdom teeth. I laughed. She wasn't joking. FML
Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML
Today, my brother decided to join me on my first date. Not only did he answer the door with a bat, he also got inside the car and sat next to my date, pushing me to the back. He stayed the entire time, and walked me back to the house. My mom laughed and gave him $20. It was a dare. FML
Today, I was pushing my wheelchair-bound grandpa back home, when a pretty girl walked past us in the opposite direction. He made me stop and turn him around, just so he could check her ass out as she walked away. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he may have an STD. When I asked who he was with before me, and where it might have come from, he listed off almost every single one of my friends. FML
Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said, "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML
Today, I overheard my ripped, handsome, genetically perfect brother telling my mom how "fat people" make him "nervous". I have only recently accepted my weight, after struggling for years. I now understand why my brother rarely talks to me. FML
Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML
Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML
Today, I found out my 13-year-old daughter thinks the showerhead got her pregnant. FML
Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML
Today, my mom decided to follow me during my driving test. She rear ended me. FML
Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML
Today, on my first day at as a photo editor at a print store, I had to spend over an hour editing a full shoot of a fat man eating a baguette in a bathtub, closeups included. FML
Today, a little kid accidentally ran into me at the pool. He apologized by biting my leg. FML
Today, I got a round of applause. Too bad it was from my thighs as I went down the stairs. FML
Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML
Today, my wife pressed a button in the elevator and quickly ran out, leaving me in there with our crying baby. When the elevator arrived at the floor, the doors opened on a wedding reception. The doors couldn't have taken any longer to close again. FML
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