Célibataire
Today, I crawled into bed at 2 in the morning. At 6 am, the telephone rang, waking me up. It was a wrong number. FML
Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML
Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML
Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML
Today, I was waiting for the bus while wearing my FML shirt. A passer-by stopped, stared at me for a moment, and said, "I agree, your life sucks." FML
Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML
Today, I shat a magnet. FML
Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: her job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML
Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML
Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML
Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML
Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML
Today, a customer called me "chink eyes", "dog eater", "bloody Chinese communist" and "ching chong." I'm black. FML
Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML
Today, my in-laws moved in. FML
Today, I asked my 7-year-old daughter what job she would like when she grows up. She calmly replied that she wouldn't have one; she'd just bring her husband round to my place and steal food from me. FML
Today, my son got a beating. Apparently, he went to a club, waited until he saw a couple of girls pulling a duckface for a photo, then rushed over and threw pieces of bread at them. Their boyfriends, not too surprisingly, didn't appreciate this. I had to drive the idiot home from the hospital. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML
Today, I had a rough day and was extremely tired. I took a nap on the couch, and woke up to a guy robbing my house. I pretended I was still sleeping, waiting a chance to grab him or run out safely. I ended up falling back asleep. FML
Today, I found my 6 year-old daughter upstairs, lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving, "the carpet a haircut." FML
Today, my fiancé said "Rachel" instead of my name when asked to repeat, "I take thee, Emily, to be my lawfully wedded wife." I was shocked, so he explained while laughing that he doesn't even know a Rachel. He ruined our wedding for a Friends quote. FML
Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML
Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML
Today, my daughter came home in tears, completely distraught. It took half an hour to convince her to tell me what was wrong. What horrific thing happened to her? One of her friends wore the same outfit as her to the movies, and apparently that's a betrayal of their friendship. FML
Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML
Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML
Today, I woke up to find "Fuck you, Harry" painted on my car. Harry's my neighbour. FML
Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML
Today, I've been one year sober. My health has improved a lot, unlike my social life, which has died a horrible, lonely death. FML
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