jawa897

Today, I discovered my sister has a crystal meth problem when she set fire to our house. FML

Hard act to follow

Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

Today, I found out that my 20-year-old boyfriend won't touch my boobs because he is afraid his parents will find out. FML

Today, my boyfriend of five years was in a bad car crash, and ended up with a concussion. He didn't remember me. At all. But he remembered his other girlfriend he had cheated on me with for two months. FML

What were you thinking?

Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

Sounds reasonable

Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day… but I want to date some other girls first." FML

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

How do I put it?

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML

Today, the guy I've recently started seeing confided that he's relieved I'm on the heavier side, and that he has a thing for watching chubby women eat. I just reached my ideal weight after losing 40 pounds. FML

Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML

Today, my date threw a fit, burst into tears, and made a huge scene in the middle of a crowded restaurant, all because I offered to pay. FML

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

Today, I told my boss about a coworker that had been hitting on me. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I was afraid that would happen. He's a bit of a chubby chaser." FML

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's "therapy" meetings have been with my best friend, in his truck. FML

Today, I found out that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will erase the paint right off your wall. FML

Today, my 11 year-old sister unfriended me on Facebook because I'm not "cool enough" to be seen on her profile. FML

Who am I?

Today, I discovered my wife and I have referred to our two-year-old as 'Cutie' or 'Beautiful' so many times she won't respond to her own name. FML

Today, I was called by a restricted number. The man on the phone then explained to me in detail what I was doing at every second that I was on the phone with him. I'm scared to leave my house. FML

Sorry

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

Today, things were getting heated with my girlfriend, so I tried taking her shirt off. Slapping my hands away, she said, "I was only dating you to get my self-confidence up, I'm good now." FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML

Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML