Mademoiselle 27 ans Célibataire
Today, I was at Walmart with my stepmom. We were about to check out when a little sweet-looking old woman came up and asked if she could get in front of us. Seeing as she only had two items in her hands we said yes. Her husband then came up with two carts full of stuff, condoms on top. FML
Today, I bought a live lobster to have for dinner. When my four year old daughter discovered it in the cooler, she thanked me incessantly for finally getting her a pet. She now won't let "Mr. Shelly" out of her sight. FML
Today, while driving in the car with my father, he handed me his iPhone and asked me to Google "Is ObamaCare good for our country?" As soon as I typed in "Is", the first result was "Is olive oil good for anal." FML
Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML
Today, my mom visited. While she was using the bathroom, my man-child of a husband thought it would be funny to knock on the bathroom door with his penis, thinking it was me in there. She opened the door to find him standing there doing the "helicopter". FML
Today, I was in a market in France, and went to ask the seller for some potatoes. I speak fluent French, but I got flustered and instead of saying "pomme de terre", which is the French for potato, I said "pomme de merde". I literally asked for an "apple of shit". FML
Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML
Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML
Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML
Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML
Today, as I was opening the door for my boyfriend, I pressed my boobs against the glass to make him laugh. I didn't see his dad standing just behind him at first, but he certainly saw me. FML
Today, I snooped around my parents' room looking for hidden Christmas presents. The only hidden things I found was a whip, two ball gags, several other sex toys, and a load of newspaper clippings about the JFK assassination. What the fuck? FML
Today, my father was playing with my son and his toy animals. He picked one up and said, "What is this? Some kind of African horse?" It was a zebra. FML
Today, my sister tried to convince me to go to a plastic surgeon, because "Bitchface Syndrome's no joke." FML
Today, I thought I had carbon monoxide poisoning because I had the symptoms and my detector was going off. I called the fire dept, they checked me, they checked my apartment. My apartment is fine; I'm just out of shape, have high blood pressure, and don't know how to work simple electronics. FML
Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML
Today, I showed my father a nice sweatshirt online, hoping he would take the hint and get it for me. He did, three sizes larger than mine, for himself. FML
Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML
Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML
Today, I received a phone call from the counselor at my son's preschool, requesting that I come pick him up. He was barking incessantly at his classmates. And when they asked him to stop, he growled. FML
Today, a girl asked me to check out her left breast, which she said she'd found a strange lump on. I'm an orthodontist. FML
Today, my fiancé threatened to break up with me if our dog couldn't be the best man at our wedding. FML
Today, I asked my class to name some West African countries. Several of them thought Ebola was a country. I teach an AP history class. FML
Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML
Today, my mom announced my pregnancy to the entire family via Facebook with the post, "Just went from a MILF to a GILF in one moment of unprotected sex." FML
Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML
Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML
Today, I failed a major exam. It wasn't because I didn't prepare for it, though. I failed because somebody sneezed during it and I said "bless you." Apparently, that's classed as cheating. FML
Today, my drunk grandma flashed me, after confusing me, a 19 year-old girl, for my grandpa. FML
Today, once again, I explained that yes, I'm Russian. No, I'm not a communist. No, I don't pray to a picture of Putin riding a bear. And no, I don't have any vodka on me. FML
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