briellek96

Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML

Unloveable

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them wants me. FML

Nice try old man

Today, I submitted my application to a restaurant as a server. The manager, who is more than 30 years older than me, said he'd be calling me. He later texted me asking for a date instead of giving me a job. FML

Demon child

Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML

Oh, hai Mark

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple of pages, I saw my uncle. FML

Very bad trip

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

Ew, dude

Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML

Today, my date and I went to the movies. After the date, we were both on an instant chat room at our homes. Her personal message displayed "I think I love my ex again." FML

Cursed

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said, "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

Class dismissed

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said, "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

Creepypasta

Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she'd been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML

Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML

Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He passionately laid me down onto the bed, both of us fully naked. Pressing down on my shoulder, he ended up dislocating it. The pain made me pee myself. FML

Today, I got my period. Last week, I fell out of a window and landed between my legs on a bush; I have massive swelling down there, and stitches over the ripped flesh. Now I'm bleeding out my period on top of the lingering wounds down there. It hurts even to pee, let alone menstruate. FML

Hot boy summer

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend about how a few years ago I had cancer, and how I underwent radiation therapy. His response? "Did you glow in the dark?" FML

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

Cue Rockwell

Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML

Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML