SchelleForelle

Today, at work, I was reprimanded for not engaging with customers enough. In an effort to be more friendly, I complimented the next customer on her interesting accent. Turns out it was from a stroke she had last year. FML

Today, I had some girlfriends over, while my parents were having a party at our house. My drunken dad decided to come down to the basement and show us all his third nipple. FML

One night stand

Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML

Foot in mouth syndrome

Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML

Today, after I successfully blew up a really large balloon, my mom said, in front of my older brother's friends, "Wow, you're going to make some man really happy one day!" FML

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

Today, my ex took my cat and gave her to an animal shelter while I was at work, saying he can't stand living with her any longer. He's moving out in 2 days. FML

Today, after a week of searching, I found my escaped snake. In my umbrella, outside, after opening it over my head. FML

Quiet

Today, I saw my upstairs neighbor outside getting the mail. She asked how my day was, and then apologized that the sound of her baby's crying through the walls kept me up last night. Apparently she heard me when I yelled at 2am for her fucking demon spawn to shut up. FML

Today, I carpooled with my co-worker whose girlfriend has left him. The radio was playing the song "Jar of Hearts." He then began to sing intensely, and broke down crying. FML

Not welcome here

Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML

Today, I was washing dishes when I picked up a plate and saw a huge spider. Trying to be nice, I took the plate outside and tried to gently push the spider off. The wind blew it into my eye. FML

Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML

Today, my boyfriend discovered you can send sound clips as text messages. So far I've heard 5 of his farts in the past half hour. FML

Today, I repeatedly screamed so loudly and with such emotion at a video game, that my neighbours thought I was in trouble and called the police. FML

Smooth criminal

Today, I was walking down the street, when a little old lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

Today, I was petting my cat and I jokingly said out loud, "Oh, the pussy likes it rough? You like that, don't you?" My windows were open and I could hear the neighbors laughing. FML

Hiya!

Today, I brought my girlfriend home while my parents were at work, and things got a little heated. We lost track of time, because the next thing we knew, my dad burst into the living room. He doubled over laughing and asked how much I paid her. FML

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

Today, I was in a business meeting. I was giving a Powerpoint presentation to my boss and a few other associates. Then a notification popped up in the middle of my presentation reminding me that I needed to renew my pornhub subscription. FML