Monsieur Washington DC, USA En couple
Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML
Today, my boss interviewed a prospective employee, my ex-girlfriend. My psycho ex, a kleptomaniac, thinks she's qualified to be a Security Guard. Her background check agrees. FML
Today, my cat still loves me too much. He schedules his dumps for when I'm doing my makeup in the bathroom so he can stay with me. I either have to suffer the noxious odor or be late for work. This is a daily thing. FML
Today, during the "What can your manager do to help with your career aspirations?" section of my annual review, my manager basically told me she wouldn't help me and I should quit. FML
Today, my sister and I checked into our cheap hotel in Brussels as part of our month-long Europe trip. At 11pm we awoke to the sound of a mouse chewing through a bag of food we'd bought. At 3am we awoke to bedbugs. We slept in the bathroom. FML
Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he had a surprise for me at midnight. I stayed up all night, not hearing from him. Finally I get a notification. Apparently, my midnight surprise is that I'm single. FML
Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML
Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile, I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML
Today, I resorted to buying some expensive flowers and sending them to my boss anonymously with a mysterious love letter, just to get her to lighten the hell up and stop constantly harassing and berating me over every little thing. FML
Today, I found out that my contact name in my girlfriend's phone is "Dipshit McFucktard". FML
Today, while singing Happy Birthday to my husband, I desperately needed to fart. I couldn't leave the room, so I let it out real slow. There were over 20 of us there, yet somehow my mother-in-law knew it was me. She went over to the window and opened it wide, all while glaring at me. FML
Today, my dad introduced me as his pet orangutan. I'm a redhead. FML
Today, after saying I'd edit and revise a coworker's report so he could go home and spend his anniversary with his wife, he sent me a file. Upon opening it, it was pictures of men wearing strange fetish gear while being dominated. He has yet to send me the correct file and I'm scared to ask. FML
Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML
Today, my little sister thought it would be funny to send my girlfriend a text saying I cheated on her and wanted to break up. Her response was, "lol whatever I've been fucking Steve for like a month anyway." Steve is my brother, and he won't admit or deny it. FML
Today, a guy threatened to sue me for fraud because I informed him that he had to start paying back his student loans. FML
Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML
Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to dinner to meet my parents. He agreed to be on his best behavior, but when my mom told us about some shady stuff going on at her job, he replied that it sounded "fishier than Justin Bieber's cunt." We were quickly kicked out. FML
Today, after taking my little niece out onto the balcony of her family's new apartment to enjoy the view, we watched as a man jaywalked across the street down below and was run over by a car. My niece is pretty much traumatized for life now. FML
Today, I had an emergency appendectomy, so I texted my boss to let him know about the situation. He replied that it'd be good for my continued employment prospects if I came into work tomorrow. FML
Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML
Today, after 4 days of avoiding me and screening his calls, my 24-year-old boyfriend sent his mother to break up with me on his behalf. FML
Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML
Today, my boyfriend fed a "random mushroom from the woods" to my rabbit. It then had a violent seizure and died. He claims it must have been from "natural causes". FML
Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML
Today, my best friend told me how his batshit insane girlfriend keeps questioning his sexuality and thinks we're screwing behind her back. He's so desperate for a relationship that he's decided to stop hanging out with me. Goodbye seven years of friendship. FML
Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML
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