Monsieur Washington DC, USA En couple
Today, my boyfriend tried to be dominant during sex. It was so out of character for him, I couldn't help but break into hysterical laughter. FML
Today, my dad forgot I was on the back of his motorbike. He did a wheelie and I fell off. FML
Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML
Today, I realized the sweet, sensitive girl I was talking to on a dating site was actually my brother trolling me for fun. FML
Today, I found out I have sodium fluoride poisoning. Apparently, my water has a high level of sodium fluorine. I've been drinking much more water lately trying to be healthier. FML
Today, my Canadian friend is staying a few days at my parents' house. I drove him from the airport, only to find my idiot dad had decked the spare room out with maple syrup bottles. He keeps saying "Eh" all the time and asked "What's he so upset aboot?" when my friend was offended. FML
Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML
Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML
Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to come if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML
Today, my new friend tried to introduce me to "American Culture," as I am new to the city. He explained what a hamburger is and how it differs from the Asian food I was used to eating. I moved from Seattle and have worked at Burger King. FML
Today, I was at an outdoors Christmas party and I jokingly complained that my son says 'mama' way more than he says 'dada'. One of my students was at the party and watched him for a couple of hours. He taught him to say 'dada' every time he sees a bug. FML
Today, my school textbook's back cover ripped off. Not wanting to have my teacher find out, I glued the cover back together. Only after the glue dried did I realize that I actually glued the back cover upside down. FML
Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years asked me why I would never tie her shoes for her. I confessed to her my deep hatred of feet. Later, I woke up from a nap next to my girlfriend. With her feet in my mouth. FML
Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML
Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML
Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML
Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring because he was so good looking. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Can't, bigamy's illegal." I still don't know if she was joking or not, because she keeps changing the subject whenever I mention it. FML
Today, my boss asked me if I'd realized that "I support ISIS" was written on the bottom of my water bottle. The bottle was a gift from my dad. FML
Today, my girlfriend walked in on me taking a dump, and started plucking her eyebrows. When I told her I was uncomfortable, she said, "Aww, is my baby's poo shy? Is it, is it?" and pinched my cheek. FML
Today, my dad asked me to stop calling him "dad" because it’s too weird for his girlfriend’s kids to hear, because they call him dad. FML
Today, I was in a public bathroom with the runs when I noticed my stall didn't have any toilet paper. I was the only one in the bathroom, and I thought I could make it to the stall next to me and grab some with my pants down. I wasn't actually the only one in there. FML
Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML
Today, while I was pet-sitting for my boyfriend's parents, one of their dogs killed one of their kittens. FML
Today, my body-building addiction hit a whole new level when I begged my friend to sell me her breast milk. FML
Today, I purposely set my phone off in class to make it seem like I had friends. FML
Today, my boyfriend's dad said he'd given my boyfriend £100 to take me out for a meal last night and he hoped I'd enjoyed it. Last night my boyfriend and I went to Pizza Hut, shared a pizza and split the bill. Turns out my boyfriend had simply pocketed the money without telling anyone. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me a selfish bitch and dumped me after I told him I'm planning on getting much-needed breast reduction surgery. FML
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