Monsieur Washington DC, USA En couple
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by taking his new car to the automatic car wash. As soon as the water started, I realized that I forgot to close the sunroof. FML
Today, I finally got my 14-year-old son to aim while using the bathroom. If only I could get my husband to do the same. FML
Today, after waking up in a panic because I was running late for work again, I realized I was fired for that exact reason the day before. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML
Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML
Today, I told my husband I felt unfulfilled and unhappy in my life. He suggested I do more chores. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML
Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML
Today, I heard a loud beep for over an hour. It didn't come from my phone or even an alarm of some sort. It was my son pretending to be a smoke alarm. FML
Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML
Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML
Today, my grandmother came to visit and asked me, "Did you change your hair, or are you just fatter now?" FML
Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I somehow got into the conversation of what the weirdest thing we have ever found in food was. She said she found paper in her fortune cookie; she was serious. FML
Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza, and ended up falling asleep on my couch. FML
Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML
Today, my dad drove me to the airport. As I got out of the car, he said, "You better pop that zit on your face, security might think it's a bomb". FML
Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML
Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML
Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML
Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML
Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML
Today, my fiancée called off our wedding at the last moment, because her neurotic sister thinks she's "too fat" to be the maid of honor, and says she needs several months to lose weight. So that's a few thousand dollars wasted. My fiancée says I'm "overreacting" and that I "just don't get it". FML
Today, my drunk grandma flashed me, after confusing me, a 19 year-old girl, for my grandpa. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML
Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML
Today, I stood up in front of the class and dropped my pen. As I bent over to pick it up, a boy in the front row loudly broke wind. I will forever be known as "that teacher who farted". FML
Today, I went to work at my job as a CNA at a long-term care facility. I'm also on a medication that has a side effect of confusion. I had 3 residents with Alzheimer's tell me to 'get my shit together.' FML
Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML
Today, my mother yelled at me, telling me I'm irresponsible and lecturing me on how I need to "plan ahead like an adult." All because I asked to borrow a tampon. FML
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