Monsieur Washington DC, USA En couple
Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML
Today, I got a letter in the mail telling me to report for jury duty. The day that I have to show up is the day of my wedding. FML
Today, my husband recited to me the name and model number of every single weapon in the game Doom, along with what they did and roughly where to find them. Last month, he forgot my birthday. We've been married for 6 years; he hasn't played Doom in at least 10. FML
Today, I found out my dad ate my rabbit when I was 6 years-old. He'd told me it ran away. I can't be mad at my dad, he's been dead for 5 years. FML
Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML
Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML
Today, apparently when you tell a hairdresser, "A little off the sides," they hear, "A bowl cut please, and make it look extra stupid." FML
Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML
Today, I discovered that my male coworker, who coincidentally shares my last name, has been telling everyone we're married. I'm 26; he's 58. FML
Today, I introduced my dad to my girlfriend. He looked her up and down and said to her, "Beggars can't be choosers. Am I right?" FML
Today, I went to a thrift store and found heaps of clothes that I loved that fit me perfectly. Then I found a special distinctive dress. My dress. My dad had thrown away heaps of my clothes and I had to buy them all back. FML
Today, my mom told me that, even though my brother sells drugs, he's still her favorite child. FML
Today, I noticed our weekly biohazardous waste pickup didn't occur as usual at the surgery center where I work. After calling, the company informed me they were short staffed and couldn't make it out 'til next week. Guess that amputated finger is just going to marinate another week. FML
Today, my dad gave my younger brother condoms and a pat on the back, even though he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is after called me a whore after he saw me kissing my long-term boyfriend last week. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that blood-filled deer ticks can look a lot like black jelly beans. FML
Today, a guy attacked me and tried to steal my bag. I tried to defend myself by biting him as hard as I could. I then woke up to my husband screaming in pain. FML
Today, my husband lost his keys again. It's a daily struggle to find them. This time they were in an ice cube, literally. He said he must have accidentally put them in there when making ice. He's going to be the father of my future children. FML
Today, after swallowing my birth control pill, I threw up all over myself. I then had to search through my puke to find my birth control pill and attempt to re-take it. FML
Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML
Today, I looked my boyfriend in the eyes and said, "I love y-" He cut me off with, "Babe, a blowjob's worth a thousand words" and held eye contact until I awkwardly excused myself. FML
Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML
Today, my boyfriend managed to orgasm by humping my leg. I'm beginning to think I'm dating a puppy. FML
Today, I am still finding glitter in my ass crack after a concert last night that had a confetti cannon. Thanks Marilyn Manson, I feel so metal now. FML
Today, I learned that before you tell a blonde joke, you should make sure that your high school's 6'8", 275-pound, blond quarterback isn't standing behind you. FML
Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML
Today, I asked my classmate to look over my essay. His comments were longer than the essay itself. FML
Today, my husband admitted that he's been spying on me for the last 5 years to see if I was cheating, out of paranoia brought on by his own cheating for all 5 of those years. FML
Today, my boss's incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML
Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML
Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML
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