Monsieur Washington DC, USA En couple
Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML
Today, I achieved a personal goal by completing a half-marathon for charity, despite being overweight and unfit before training. When I finished I cried, not because I was proud of myself, but because I ran the last two miles while being followed by kids on bicycles calling me a "fat cunt". FML
Today, my mum begged me to let her put fake nails on me to practice for her styling exam. I've been sitting on the toilet for the past half an hour trying to figure out how to wipe without damaging something. FML
Today, every "entry level" job in my field is now requiring 2-5 years experience. I don't think they understand what "entry level" actually means. FML
Today, a woman attempted to pickpocket me while trying to educate me about God. FML
Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML
Today, I was excited to see a spider skittering across my bathroom floor, because this one was real and not a hallucination. FML
Today, I was walking through town with my hood up and noticed people giving me funny looks. It wasn't until I got home that I realised the umbrella I was holding over my head had been closed the whole time. FML
Today, I was in my Honors English class. I sneezed very loudly while my teacher was giving a lecture. I had the genius idea to say, "Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant so I could apply for a job, and we decided to eat there. After we finished, I went to start the car. When we got home, I asked him how much the bill came to. Apparently he didn't pay. I had already given them my completed application. FML
Today, after waking up, I walk into the kitchen to see my two-year-old with a blue sharpie in hand as he says, "Look mom, color!" He left no appliance or cabinet untouched in his coloring masterpiece, and I'm still trying to figure out where he got the sharpie from. FML
Today, I asked my grandmother what she looked like when she was young. She casually replied, "I was ugly, sweetie. Just like you." FML
Today, while I was waiting at a red light, a drunk guy limped in front of my car, unzipped, and started pissing on my windshield. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML
Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML
Today, I asked my boss for a few days off next week, because my grandmother passed away yesterday and I'll need to travel to attend the funeral. His response: "She's dead, you're not. You want time off, then quit." FML
Today, while on a date, I went to take a sip of my drink, but for some reason I expected a straw to be there. I ended up wiggling my tongue and mouth around my glass looking for it as I kept my eyes on my date. It must've looked like I was trying to be seductive in the creepiest way possible. FML
Today, a teenage girl bumped into me and my phone fell out of my hands, and over the Golden Gate Bridge. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML
Today, after running across London to catch my train, I collapsed, panting, into a seat across from a concerned elderly woman. She leaned over to ask whether I had my inhaler and I smiled and nodded. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not asthmatic, just really unfit. FML
Today, I had a music duet in front of a crowd and 3 judges. I play tuba and my partner plays the saxophone. He burst out laughing in the middle of it because one note that I played sounded like a fart. FML
Today, I had to study for an important test but I could barely focus because my roommate had his music blasting at full volume. Since we get along well, I decided to put up with it. I just found out he forgot to turn it off and left over 6 hours ago. FML
Today, I was waiting at the bus stop and noticed a girl that I played netball with. I ran across the road to meet her and she ran across the car park to meet me. We hugged and looked at each other slowly backing away as we both realised that we didn't know each other. FML
Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a strange woman in my apartment. She explained that my roommate told her it was OK to spend a few days here. I guess he forgot that the room was mine. FML
Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML
Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML
Today, my sister brought me coffee to my office. It was really nice so I made a status about it on Facebook. My boyfriend texted me soon after, freaking out because I never put anything on Facebook about him and how great he is. I'm basically dating a 14-year-old girl. FML
Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked why I never let him go down on me. I told him that it doesn't do much for me, even though it really does. I didn't have the courage to tell him that it's because he acts like a rabid dog when he does. FML
Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML
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