Monsieur Sydney, Australia 45 ans
Today, I was watching a movie in the basement with my boyfriend when we started to get a little frisky. My mom walks down with dirty laundry and tells him to stop it because I'm creaming all over my undies. She showed him a pair of dirty ones to prove it. FML
Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML
Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML
Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML
Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML
Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML
Today, my 27 year-old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML
Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML
Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML
Today, I finally got the chance to meet this wonderful guy I met on a dating site. She was very excited to see me, too. FML
Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML
Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML
Today, I called the landlord about the mouse I keep seeing in my kitchen. He wasted no time accusing me of keeping it as a pet, and went off on me about his "No Pets" policy. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML
Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML
Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML
Today, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends. While we were walking to the store, there was a loud snap. Everyone jumped. My bra had snapped, and I had to hold back tears of pain and pretend I was just as confused as they were, while they searched for the source of the sound. FML
Today, I had to finally accept that my husband is too large for me. Normally, it'd be a bragging point, except my private parts can't handle it. After several infections brought on after vaginal tearing, I'm having to choose between being in perpetual pain, or giving up my sex life. FML
Today, yet again, I was getting intimate with my shower head. Some complete genius decided to flush the toilet downstairs halfway through, which sent scalding-hot water all up in my privates. I've yet to find a comfortable sitting position. FML
Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML
Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML
Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML
Today, I was talking to a guy I met online and have known for four years. I've fallen in love with him twice, one of those times being currently. He was supposed to visit this summer. I got an email from him saying he's really a 17 year-old girl from Chesterfield, MO. FML
Today, I found out that I was conceived during a conjugal visit. FML
Today, if it wasn't already embarrassing enough to tell my boyfriend I was on my period, I had to explain what a period is in the first place, how it works, and why it means nothing can happen during that time of the month. He's twenty. FML
Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML
Today, I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn't kidding. She accomplished her mission in my bed after school. FML
Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML
Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML
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