Mademoiselle MNL, Philippines Compliqué
Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML
Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML
Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, saying, "Congratulations, you have a new match." FML
Today, I fractured my shinbone after slipping on a leaf. FML
Today, I farted myself awake, in a car full of my boyfriend's family. FML
Today, I went to a salon to have my eyebrows waxed. During the application the woman sneezed. The wax is not water based, so no matter what they tried, it would not come out of my eyebrows. I now have to decide whether leave the noticeable brown wax in my eyebrows or wax them all off and draw them in. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me at work and said, "I hate to do this over the phone..." I burst into tears, thinking he was going to break up with me. Turns out he only ate my last doughnut. Now my co-workers think I'm a weirdo. FML
Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML
Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML
Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML
Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML
Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML
Today, my crush came into the gas station I work at and said, "Man, you look hot today!" Flattered, I thanked him. He replied, "No, I mean like hot and sweaty, like you've been working hard." FML
Today, I found out my fiancé is already married when his wife showed up at my door. That's about the same time she found her husband is gay, and that Ashley can be a man's name. FML
Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML
Today, my six-year-old son told me how it was funny that there's "a food chicken and an animal chicken". That's going to be a fun one to explain to him. FML
Today, my brother was playing one of those old street fighter games. He suddenly asked me what "K.O." meant. I told him it meant "Knocked Out," but he started getting mad at me because "'knocked' isn't spelled with a 'k'". He's 17. FML
Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML
Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML
Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML
Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML
Today, I lost my balance trying to get my bag out of my car. In doing so, my lips came in contact with some bird poop. FML
Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML
Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML
Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML
Today, a total stranger asked me to marry him while we were waiting for the bus. I turned him down. He then pulled a knife on me, grabbed my purse and ran. FML
Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML
Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML
Today, I had fallen asleep in the back of a friend's car on the way home from a night out. When I woke up, they were in the middle of a full-on make out session. I had to pretend to be asleep for 20 minutes until they decided to "wake me up". FML
Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML
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