erictdh

Today, at work, I was helping someone who really sounded like she had a Boston accent. So, I asked her where she was from. She has never been out of state. Turns out she has a speech impediment. FML

Oh, the irony

Today, I lost my job to the individual I just finished training. Within 2 hours after being escorted out, my old boss called and yelled at me for doing a lousy job. He was angry that the training was deficient and because the new person is as bad as I was. FML

Today, after months of trying to make my girlfriend orgasm, she finally did. It was with my brother. I'll definitely knock next time. FML

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML

Today, I attempted to bleach the little hairs above my lip. I had it on for about 15 seconds. Turns out that the horrible stinging that I had felt meant that it was not just working, but also eating through my skin at the same time. FML

Today, the owner of the restaurant I work at texted me to let me know the manager does not want me to come in anymore. Why? I'm the most praised of the staff by the customers and they love me, which makes the manager look bad. The owner hired me solely for customer service in the first place. FML

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

Glazed over

Today, I went to a job interview. I really needed the job to keep my apartment. As I was being interviewed, the manager looked past me and stared off into space. There goes the job and my apartment. FML

Can't filter that

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

Test failure

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

Today, I was flirting with a really cute girl and we ran out of things to say, I got so nervous with the silence that I asked her if she had hiccuped lately. FML

Today, a customer made a huge scene at work because all of our reading glasses are made in China, and apparently any "moral" person should be repulsed by that. FML

Today, I bought an iPhone SE, so my mom decided to sell my old iPhone 5 on Craigslist. Since the 5 and SE look exactly the same, she ended up selling my SE instead of the 5 for $100. The buyer refuses to give it back. FML

Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML

Today, my mom got so desperate to find me a woman, she went to see a medium. I don't have the guts to tell her I'm gay. FML

Today, I woke up to my husband peeing on the floor. He managed to pee in two open clothes drawers and on the pants I was going to wear to work tomorrow. Before I left earlier he promised he wouldn't get smashed tonight. FML

Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

Today, while working at a fine-dining restaurant, I was dicing veggies. I was paying such close attention to make sure the veggies were all the same size, that I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

Today, I woke up at 3:45 am, and got ready to leave my house before 5, since I needed to be at my new job for orientation at 6. When I got there, I realized they actually meant 6 pm. FML

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

Today, I found out that a coworker and I may get laid off soon, all because my boss's niece told him she can do both our jobs all by herself, and for less money. FML

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

Today I was very excited to go to the post office to claim a parcel. I didn't know what it could be, so I assumed it was a gift. It turned out to be a speeding ticket. FML

At long last

Today, after two years and five months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me via a Whatsapp group. FML

Today, I was taking a quiz online called "Do Your Friends Actually Like You?" I quit after two questions because I remembered I don't actually have any friends. FML

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML