Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML
Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML
Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML
Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML
Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML
Today, while changing my clothes, my 3 year-old daughter informed me that I looked like a zebra. Noticing my shocked face, she tried comforting me by telling me I was a pretty zebra because I was a purple zebra. She was talking about my stretch marks. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML
Today, my mom and I tried out Just Dance 2 on the Wii. When we both threw out our hands at the same time, my mom's Wii remote hit my hand and ripped my finger nail. As I stared at the bloody, half hanging off nail, my mom muttered, "You should have stayed in your dance space." FML
Today, I got a ticket for vandalizing public property. I decided to draw a cat on the street outside my house in sidewalk chalk. I'm 20, and I have to explain to my parents why I'm playing with chalk instead of studying. FML
Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML
Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML
Today, my girlfriend's best friend told me she was in hospital after having made a suicide attempt. In shock, I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital myself. Turns out it was all a lie to see whether or not I was committed to the relationship. FML
Today, a little boy called me, crying that "Grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say, "Wrong number." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML
Today, my boyfriend pulled on my pubes and made 'engine starting' noises. This was his attempt at foreplay. FML
Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML
Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML
Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML
Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML
Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML
Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML
Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML
Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML
Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML
Today, my eight year-old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mindfucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML
Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML
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