Spongegar123

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on the lips. Normally, I would have enjoyed it, if the lips in question were the ones on my face. FML

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

Today, my girlfriend said I looked like ET and made me pose next to a full scale model of him while she took a picture. She's showing her friends the picture and they agree. FML

Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

Today, without telling me, my mom dropped me off at my grandmother's house, and drove off. Now I'm supposed to spend the next month with her. Guess she forgot my grandma died six weeks ago. FML

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

Flying around

Today, while driving and singing, I noticed a large fly inside my car. I stopped singing so it wouldn't fly into my mouth. That didn't stop it from flying up my nose, causing me to swerve and drive into a ditch. FML

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

Today, I had to cancel my wedding. On top of being upset about the break up, I was informed I owed a $900 cancellation fee for not using the venue. Single and broke. FML

Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency room. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Well, that must have been 'beary' uncomfortable." The entire room burst into laughter. FML

Stunlock

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML

Oddly specific

Today, I got home to find our house broken into. Among other things, the thieves took our television, my laptop and several pieces of expensive jewelry. Also missing was my daughter's My Little Pony collection. I think we were robbed by a Brony. FML

Today, I played a game with my boyfriend. The point of the game is to write down everything you like about someone. I put down at least ten things for him. He had one thing down for me: my boobs. FML

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

Today, I found out that I am allergic to grass, and not supposed to mow lawns. My job is mowing lawns. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

Anticlimax

Today, I finally lost my virginity, all while in the passionate throes of an asthma attack. FML

Today, my sister walked into my room, saying her boyfriend "forgot something." She then reached under my bed and pulled out a pair of boxers and a condom wrapper. Her response to my disgust was, "My bed was dirty." FML

Today, my boyfriend went to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. All I could make out from the door was mumbling, until profanities started flying. My boyfriend shouted "well she's a SINGLE bitch now!" and stormed out of the house. My dad still refuses to tell me what happened in there. FML

Today, I went bowling. I noticed a 10-year-old holding an iPod Touch which had the exact same customized case with my name on it as my iPod that was stolen a year ago at the same bowling centre. Even better, the parents yelled at me for accusing him. I got kicked out the bowling centre. FML

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

Pranking hell!

Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

Today, after my 5-year-old finally got over his grandmother's death, we went to a store and saw a lady that looked exactly like her. She came up to us asking if we saw her grandson; I can't get my son to stop freaking out. FML

Leech

Today, while on the bus, an elderly man fell asleep on my shoulder. He looked sweet, so I didn't push him off. A few minutes later, the bus jolted and his head slipped down into my breasts. I'm pretty sure you don't smile like that when you're really asleep. FML

Today, I got cut from my track team. My coach told me it was because my sprints were "too fast" for his liking. Huh? FML

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML