Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML
Today, I realized that my fiancé only touches me when he wants to have sex. Any other contact is purely accidental. FML
Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML
Today, my boyfriend sang "Happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembers the date of the first time he went down on me. FML
Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML
Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML
Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML
Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML
Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying, "Next time, I'll call." FML
Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML
Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML
Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML
Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML
Today, I found a used condom in my trash can. I have been happily married to my wife for 7 years, and we use other forms of birth control. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML
Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML
Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML
Today, while my mom was driving me to work, we drove past a lake with an old wooden dock. She stopped the car, pointed and said, "Some guy fucked me right there. I got a splinter in my butt, though, so we finished in his car." FML
Today, I found out that my partner thinks love is more meaningful than sex, so it's okay to stick his penis in someone else. FML
Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML
Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML
Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML
Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML
Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML
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