Boomi

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

Today, I was telling my friend about how my boyfriend never does anything nice for me. Confused, she replied, "That's odd, he's always doing nice things for me." FML

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

Today, I realized the guy I like is not deaf. This would normally be good news. However, for the past two weeks I assumed he was deaf after seeing him use sign language. I've been openly talking about him within earshot. FML

Creepypasta

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple of stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that my 12 year-old daughter had to get in the driver's seat to order from the drive-thru. FML

Brute force

Today, I went in the one-person bathroom at work to pee. Next thing I know, a woman forced the locked door open and walked in on me, because she didn't believe another person who said, "I think someone is in there." I'm reluctant to use that bathroom in the future. FML

Today, I got a bill from my former attorney for the call he made to me begging me not to turn him in for stealing all my money and almost causing me lose my home. FML

Late night

Today, I placed sticky mouse traps in my bedroom. it's now 12:05 a.m. and I've successfully caught a mouse. Too bad I'm scared of them and my husband is passed out asleep. I now get to listen to a mouse squeak all night and have to be up in 4 hours. FML

Social parasites

Today, the owner of the house I'm renting said he doesn't want to pay $4000 to fumigate the home, and that he'll take care of the issue himself. I have killed 30 angry wasps in the last hour. There are thousands living in the walls, but I think their favorite place is my bathroom and my bed. FML

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

Today, I purpose woke up early so that I could be prepared for a class taught by a professor who thinks I'm an idiot. This professor was the first to tell me that I'm 2 hours early and asked very slowly if I know how schedules worked. She seriously sounded concerned. FML

Good boy

Today, I submitted my picture to a rating website. It was rejected because I didn't clarify which person I was. The picture was of my dog and me. FML

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her "Looks like you are going to have a fun party" she then looks at me and says "My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

Selective

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

Move!

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

Bad doggo

Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift way more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. FML

Close call

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boy's Epipen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out, and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML

Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". FML

Birthday Girl

Today, it's my birthday. I got just three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office, to sing me a happy birthday. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

Today, my boyfriend who has been overseas the last four months broke up with me. I sent him a care package two days ago. He'll get homemade cookies (his mom's recipe), naughty videos of me and a letter telling him how much I love him in about a week. FML

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon, I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

Today, I told my parents I wanted them to meet my new partner. My mom went into a rant about how she had known I was gay for a while and asked how I was going to tell my husband. I am straight, madly in love with my husband, and was referring to my business partner. FML

Smoke 'em while you can

Today, I was smoking a cigarette in my backyard while my parents were out, because I'm not allowed to smoke. While smoking, my parents came home unexpectedly. In a rush, I flicked it over the fence, and it landed in my neighbor's hair. It was still lit. FML

Fair enough…

Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML