Boomi

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

Today, my boyfriend got a raise after working at a company for 3 months. I'm proud of him, but I've been working at the company for almost 2 years, trying to get to his position. My parents own the company and put him there when they hired him, and now he makes more than me, thanks to their raise. FML

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

More whine?

Today, my parents came back from their holiday and were constantly asking about "the girl I had over". They thought so because of the two wine glasses in the dishwasher. I didn't have anyone over. I just got drunk two nights in a row and was too lazy to clean the first one. FML

Today, I was fired. For no reason, at all. Literally. And it's totally legal. Thanks to my state being an "at will" employment state. FML

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

Congrats!

Today, I went to a bone and joint specialist because of excruciating back pain. Before the examination, the doctor told me that the possible reasons for the pain could be arthritis, sciatica, or scoliosis. After the examination, I found out that I have all three. FML

Today, I got up very early to join my fit, slim, husband for a morning walk, since I work from home, order food to be delivered, and barely leave the couch. Afterwards, he biked off to work, and I went straight back to bed. With some candy. Small steps, I guess. FML

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

Dementia

Today, just like every day for the past two weeks, my mother has told me just how much she doesn't want me to move out. I, once again, have had to remind her that she isn't the one I'm trying to get away from. I'm not a fan of being repeatedly smacked with a coffee mug by my 78-year-old grandma. FML

Today, I was fired for the first time in my life from a job that I actually loved and was passionate about. Apparently, none of my coworkers liked me and they thought that was a good enough reason to fire me. FML

Today, during my company's liquidation sale, I had not one, but three customers tell me to go back to Auschwitz. FML

Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML

Giving!

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

Today, I tried to face my fears and take the elevator at the hotel I'm staying at. When the door opened, I was greeted with a taser pointed at me and, "Are you sure you want to get on this elevator?" Guess it's the stairs for me. FML

Today, I went drinking with my boyfriend and his sister in England. I'm from the US and they live here in the UK. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't get drunk and lock me out of the house, in a foreign country at 2 a.m., where my phone doesn't work. FML

Eat the rich

Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML

Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage girl I have been working with, and who recently moved. Due to roadworks, it took me 2 hours longer than expected. When I arrived, she told me to fuck off and closed the door in my face. FML

Winds of change

Today, I stepped on a glue trap for scorpions. Bare foot. There was a scorpion already caught on it. It wasn't dead. FML

Today, marks 2 weeks since I got Oral Allergy Syndrome, a.k.a. randomly becoming allergic to apples, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, grapes, mangos, carrots, celery, beets, sunflower seeds, fennel, my toothpaste, and more things I just haven't tried yet. I'm vegan. FML

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

Today, after 4 years of trying to convince my husband, a landscaper, of the risks of skin cancer, he finally decided to put on sunscreen. Why? His horoscope told him to take care of his skin. FML

Today, I'm stuck at the airport overnight, because my phone didn't update its time zone after flying in, so I watched my train leave, thinking mine wasn't due for another hour. FML

Booze confused

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

Today, while working at a retail, I was checking on a customer who had been in one of the dressing rooms for over an hour. After knocking for 10 minutes, I unlocked the door myself, only to find the customer sitting on the floor, smoking crack. This isn't even the first time this has happened. FML

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

Today, I got into a very intense fight with my roommate about rent payment. She got so angry that she snatched my purse, walked out into the hallway and threw it down the garbage chute. Along with my money, my driver's licence, my credit cards, and my monthly paycheck was in that purse. FML

Today, my dentist discovered that, at 21, I still had a baby tooth, and asked if I wanted it pulled. My mouth was already numb, so I said sure. Turns out the numbing wore off. The dentist pulled it anyway. FML

Today, my favorite necklace fell off at school. Later, I saw another girl wearing it. When I told her it was mine, she accused me of trying to steal it and that it was a gift from her sister. I might have thought she had an identical necklace, except I hand-made mine. FML