Boomi

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

Today, I was on a date, when I suddenly choked on my own saliva and coughed so hard that I passed out. FML

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

Today, my best friend lost her virginity in the backseat of a car. I was sitting in the front. FML

Today, I went to the osteopath because I've been having knee pain. The verdict: I have arthritis. Last month, my hairdresser told me I was already starting to have white hairs too. I'm celebrating my 16th birthday in two months. FML

Asshat

Today, working in customer support, I received a call from a woman who'd just been robbed. My supervisor asked what was taking so long; I told him that she was hysterical. He took my phone and told her to call back when she had her "shit together", then hung up. I take orders from this dude. FML

Today, I woke up to my cat giving birth, on my bed. I adopted her from a friend, who told me she was spayed. Now I have a giant mess and a cat who won't let me move either her or her babies. Guess I'm sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

Today, I realized how cheap I am when I blacked out at a water park and some one yelled "Call 911!" I tried to mutter out "No, that's too expensive!" FML

Today, at my place of work in a fast-food restaurant, a customer called in and bitched at me that her warm food was weirdly cold. That is, after she drove 45 minutes from the restaurant to her house. FML

Doggy bag

Today, I got up the courage to go to a nice place for lunch alone. I wasn't expecting the Tilapia I ordered to be the whole fish, so I asked the waiter for a box because, "I forgot about an appointment in 20 minutes," just so he wouldn't think I was an idiot who didn't know what I was ordering. FML

Today, I received a call from the company I applied to, only to have my father pick it up and make fun of the man's accent. They won't call me back or take any of my calls, and my dad is completely unapologetic. FML

Dang y'all

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

Today, my grandma was sent to the hospital so I called out of work. My bosses told me that if I didn't come in I would be fired. I did so, only to find out they needed me there so I could close the restaurant while they left early to go to a party. FML

Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML

Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML

I'm not paid enough for this shit

Today, my boss asked me to send an email on his behalf with an important report attached. I've already received 3 responses from directors commenting on poor spelling and factual errors. I get paid 1/4 the salary of my boss and he can't even write properly. FML

Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML

Today, I was debating if I actually do talk to myself. I was having this conversation with myself. FML

Sound and vision

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML

Today, I found out that the gentle, adorable oral surgeon who took out my wisdom teeth last year was recently arrested for rape. FML

What's up doc?

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

When the Jehova's Witnesses come knocking...

I'm sorry, I don't remember inviting you over.

Today, I noticed my ex was feeling down. We ended things on good terms and I've been wanting to start things up again, so I figured I'd bring him dinner to cheer him up and maybe hang out. Looks like he and his one night stand get to eat my home cooked food while I go home to Netflix. FML

Today, I was chased out of my own house by my wife's lover's dog. FML

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML

Today, at my cashier job, I got written up for accepting obviously photocopied coupons. Last week, I got written up for "inadequate customer service" because I refused to accept the same bogus coupons from the same customer. FML