Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML
Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding, and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML
Today, while I was walking across a bridge, a prepubescent middle schooler grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it into the water. His friend filmed it, high-fived him, and they both ran off. I got that phone less than a week ago. FML
Today, my mom smoked pot in my sister's bedroom while I was at school. When I noticed the stench, she blamed the cat. FML
Today, sewage came up the toilet and tub in my apartment and spread far enough to get into the hallway. The maintenance crew found the source of the blocked pipes to be a ten inch long weave some idiot flushed down a toilet. FML
Today, the guy I'm dating took me to a dinner party at a couple's house. Halfway through dinner, I realized they were having the dinner party for the sole purpose of introducing him to their recently single daughter. FML
Today, I learned how it feels to sneeze after having major spinal surgery when the pain medication has almost completely worn off. FML
Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML
Today, I arrived at the kennels I work in to find the power disconnected and the water pump off. This meant I had to bucket water and carry it to keep over sixty assorted dogs and cats alive in temperatures over 90 degrees. The moment I finished, the power came back on. FML
Today, I finally went to the doctor's office to have a small patch of acne on my stomach looked at. Since it was in an almost perfect circle and abnormally sensitive, I was worried it could be ringworm or some other sort of skin infection. It turned out to be an infection alright. Herpes. FML
Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML
Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML
Today, I opened the cupboard and a bag of flour fell on my head, covering me from head to toe. Last night I got drunk, and set some booby traps up around the house for my roommate. I'd forgot that my roommate moved out a week ago. FML
Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML
Today, I was out grocery shopping when some pervert decided to slap my ass as they walked by. As I turned around to confront them, I saw that the culprit was a 7 or 8-year-old boy. I was so shocked, speechless and angry that I couldn't even decide how to handle the situation. FML
Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML
Today, I told one of my teachers I have to attend a family member's funeral on a day she's passing a test. She straight up asked if I could reschedule it, and if not if I could just give it a miss. FML
Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend and we passed the shop where my ex works at. My boyfriend slapped my ass right as my ex came out. It was so sudden that I started choking on a fry and dropped soda all over myself. My ex kept laughing all while my boyfriend kept apologizing. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy by text. I felt so betrayed, I stupidly tried to hurt her by replying that I'd been cheating on her all along with a hot babe. Turned out the dumping text was actually a prank by her friend. Now I'm single and everyone thinks I'm a cheater. FML
Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML
Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML
Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML
Today, I was leaving the house to go on a date. My dad stopped me at the door and said confidently, "Tear that pussy up, son." I'm gay and my dad knows that. FML
Today, my girlfriend wasn't kidding when she said that if I hit her cervix just the 'right' way during sex, she'd puke. I was on the bottom. FML
Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML
Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML
Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral, I was told to "man up". FML
Today, when I went to see my therapist, she handed me a tube of tooth paste and said, "Please use it". FML
Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML
Today, I confronted my husband about a pair of panties I found in his office. They're his. He put them on to show me that they fit. FML
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