ptvnat

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend bought me a Nickelback CD. FML

Today, my teacher was giving a lecture about human genetics and how they are passed on to children. She projected a large picture of a baby on to the screen in the front of the room. I then joked about how this ugly baby must have some very unattractive parents. It was her baby. FML

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

John Coltrane

Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML

Today, I stumbled upon my boyfriend's Facebook. His second Facebook. On which I also stumbled upon his second girlfriend. FML

Denied

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

Late start

Today, I was planning on meeting my friend at the mall. She came late, and I was in the dressing room trying on a few things. When I came out to meet her, she looked at me oddly and said, "You shouldn't buy that, it looks terrible on you." Those were the clothes I came in. FML

Today, my son decided to come out of the closet by wearing a shirt that said "Mom, I'm gay" to the family reunion. FML

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

Method acting

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. FML

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

Today, my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn't have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. FML

Ewwwwww

Today, I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. For three weeks. FML

Training

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

Today, after a long night of drinking and partying, I woke up in my bed next to a beast of a woman. At least I know I made it home safely. FML

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

Today, I found out that my 20-year-old boyfriend won't touch my boobs because he is afraid his parents will find out. FML

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

Ouch

Today, I was diagnosed with a clogged milk gland. I am not, nor have ever been, pregnant and therefore have also never breastfed. This condition is caused by my boyfriend's over-active urge to suck on my nipples. I'm in horrible pain, and he won't stop laughing. FML

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out that she thinks she is the Chosen One. FML

Today, I proudly told my elitist dad that I now have a beautiful girlfriend. He didn't believe me, so I showed him her Facebook. He demanded that I stop seeing her, saying that the duck-facing in her avatar was the hallmark of "a lower form of being" who would only ever shame our family. FML

Today, I finally had sex with my boyfriend. I had never gotten so far with a guy, so I was really nervous. He was careful, we tried different positions, "it was fun" and he came. I barely felt anything. FML

Today, I was out apartment hunting with my boyfriend. We visited a marvelous place that ticked all the boxes on our requirement checklist, but my boyfriend was unenthused. There was just one small detail that I hadn’t factored in: it's very badly located if ever zombies attack. FML

Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML