Ryan_Alvarez

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

Today, I found out who the father of my sister's 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

Pay up

Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML

Family affair

Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own, and where I work. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML

Today, I found out that my dad has been having an affair. With my formerly favorite teacher. The best part? Yesterday, she announced to the class that she was pregnant. I clapped and congratulated her. FML

Today, I told my husband that while he was away I had had a miscarriage. His response? "If you can't take care of our baby while it is still inside you, how can I trust you to take care of it when it comes out?" FML

Today, I introduced my family to beerpong. They especially liked the part about distracting each other while shooting. My grandma flashed me. FML

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

Today, my sister and I bought new cell phones. We both wanted the same phone in red, but the guy told us that there was only one red phone left. Flirting with him, I said "You should give the prettier sister the red phone." My new phone is black. FML

Today, I found out that last summer while my girlfriend worked on a Disney Cruise ship, she cheated on me with Tarzan. FML

Today, my friend told me men can't be trusted. I told her that wasn't true; I have my husband's password to his email but I never check it because I trust him. She bet me he was doing something bad, and to prove her wrong I looked. Turns out he has been cheating on me for 8 months. FML

Today, I received a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, for the past week he has been telling everyone "mummy works as a drug dealer." I'm a pharmacist. FML

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend who recently cheated on me and broke up with me for another girl, has herpes. Guess how I found out? FML

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had cheated on me with a minor. She's claiming it was rape and is going to put him in jail. He asked me to help him pay for his attorney. FML

Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML

Today, my grandmother told me to say "sofa king retarded" really fast. Not only did it take me several attempts to figure out what it meant, I'm now grounded by my mother for having a foul mouth. FML

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML

A for effort

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again, but I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out." My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

Today, at my strictly Catholic grandmother's funeral, I was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family, because I was born out of wedlock and wasn't a 'real' member. FML

You what now?

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

Where is this kid now?

Today, I told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand. To which he replied, "Yeah, so is your weight." FML

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

Crash

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML