Monsieur Bristol, England 36 ans Célibataire
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML
Today, my long-term girlfriend broke up with me because my hair "falls out" and I "will definitely be bald soon", even though it's not that bad. The same girl who I supported through her chemotherapy and gave her promises that I would stay with her no matter how she looked. FML
Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML
Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML
Today, my little sister thought it would be funny to send my girlfriend a text saying I cheated on her and wanted to break up. Her response was, "lol whatever I've been fucking Steve for like a month anyway." Steve is my brother, and he won't admit or deny it. FML
Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML
Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML
Today, I got banned from a suicide prevention forum for "attention seeking." FML
Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML
Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with, "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML
Today, a woman at work told me that her kid had puked into "a storage bin" in the office. It wasn't a storage bin, it was the outgoing mail tray on the side of my desk containing important contract documents that had to be posted by 5pm that day. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that if you spontaneously begin to lose weight, you may have cancer, not an increased metabolism. FML
Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML
Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML
Today, the man who fired me from my job became my stepfather. FML
Today, the couple I've been housesitting for returned. Apparently, I kept the place too clean, and they don't believe that I actually stayed here. They're refusing to pay me. FML
Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML
Today, my two sons were fighting. I had to shout, "Give me that pillow" - the object over which they were quarrelling - and put them into two separate rooms. My sons are 12 and 15. FML
Today, I babysat for my neighbor's brat kid. The mom gave me $15 for 5 hours. I complained to my mom when I got home because last time I got $15/hour. Turns out my mom had told my neighbor that she thought they'd paid me too much last time. Thanks mom. Thanks. FML
Today, my classmate went into rage mode and cursed at me, complaining how it's so unfair that I'm allowed to wear a hijab in class but she isn't allowed to wear a Flamingo hat. FML
Today, at work, I was fired from my job for being too "forward" to my boss. All I did was get him coffee and a biscuit from McDonald's to celebrate his 15-year anniversary working there. FML
Today, my husband and I spent 10 of our last $20 on pizza. Upon arriving home, I stepped out of the car and slipped on some mud, losing my balance and dropping the open box right into the mud. FML
Today, my bio teacher decided to put a plant in his classroom, and I'm allergic to it. Apparently, my hives and runny nose aren't enough to convince him to get rid of it. FML
Today, I learned that the only way to get my boyfriend to respond to me is through nudes. FML
Today, my sister shaved a chunk of my hair off while I was sleeping. I'm getting married in three days. FML
Today, I was refilling some guy's iced tea at bandana's, and the uppity jerk had the gall to ask me if I ever kissed a girl considering how fat I am, how high my voice is, and how little money I make. FML
Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML
Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML
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