zefronke8

Today, in the middle of what had to be the most amazing blowjob I've ever had in my life, my girlfriend had a mental breakdown and began weeping on top of my cock. FML

Today, I was loudly bitched out by someone for speaking in a fake British accent, to make myself "sound sophisticated". I moved here two years ago from London. FML

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

Today, while at work, a customer gave me a $20 tip. I explained to him we aren't allowed to accept tips, but he insisted. When I called the manager to report it, he pocketed my tip. FML

Today, the guy I'm dating found out I have severe arachnophobia. He downloaded a picture of a huge, hairy spider and set it as background on my iPhone. I can't even unlock my phone, as every time I try, the spider pops up and I drop the phone. He laughs every time I do it. FML

Generation III

Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML

Today, I got my results on a recent, important midterm. During the exam, I'd noticed my instructor had accidentally left an answers page in the test packet, so being honest, I didn't look at them. It turns out she did it on purpose to help us pass. I failed. FML

Today, I met the man of my dreams. We saw a movie, then went to a bar. It went perfectly, until he got wasted and started singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" to me while everyone laughed. Then I woke up, having just been Rickrolled by my own subconscious. FML

Contacts

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

No way

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

Tetchy

Today, my extremely religious father visited for a family dinner. My daughter had just one job: not to set him off on one of his easily-provoked rants. She nonetheless decided to take a photo in the middle of prayer, because she just HAD to Instagram her food. My father went apeshit. FML

Isn't that, like, a crime?

Today, at my job at my tattoo parlor, yet another client offered to pay for his tattoo by "letting" me sleep with him. This client happens to be my boyfriend's best friend, whose girlfriend is having me tattoo his name on her wrist next week. FML

Today, I held a party for my family so I could announce my pregnancy. In the middle of my speech, my mother stopped me, saying, "Nobody gives a rat's ass, where's the booze?" FML

Today, I told the guy I liked about my crush on him. He said he would keep me in mind if he ever hits rock bottom. FML

Today, I was walking along the beach at night with my family. A huge wave came up and knocked me over. When we got to the van, I realized that the keys that had been in my pocket were now in the ocean. Our cell phones, shoes, and money were in the van. We had to walk three miles to our hotel. FML

Today, while in the restroom washing my hands, a girl decided to let one rip while in the stall. When she came out she gave me a dirty look of disgust and said, "At least wait until I leave." She and I were the only ones in the restroom. FML

Today, I broke into tears at work after being told my aunt had a stroke. My boss told me to "suck it up, no one is that close to their aunt." My aunt adopted me when my mother passed away. FML

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

Wishful thinking

Today, I bumped into a really cute guy I know. I stuttered and floundered, before saying, "Hi, it's me, Megan Thomas." My surname isn't Thomas, but his is. FML

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML

The Pitt

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

We're bad at this

Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me via Facebook chat. When I asked her why, she replied, "You know why." and blocked me. No, I don't know. FML

Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML

Today, despite having a stomach bug, I went into work, as my boss is overseas and had warned me not to take any sick leave until she returned. After 4 hours and vomiting twice, I left. She found out and sent me an email bitching me out for coming in sick. FML

Today, at my sister's wedding, she and I had a plan that she would purposely throw the bouquet to my girlfriend, then I would propose in front of everyone. When the bouquet landed in my girlfriend's lap, she screamed, "Ew, no way" and threw it to someone else. FML