squirrel13

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

Today, I bought my girlfriend two tickets to a Broadway show that was coming through town she really wanted to see. I couldn't attend with her due to work so she said she would take her mom. I found out later she took her ex. Now they're back together, and I paid for the date that made it happen. FML

Classic

Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said, "Well, you could always ask me." I then said, "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was, "Nope… now that's 8!" FML

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

Stop lying

Today, I found out that my sister, who is 16 years older than me, is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

Blasphemy

Today, I had a job interview where I was interrupted for using the word creative because there is "only one creator". FML

Today, I went to the hospital due to vomiting and abdominal pain, and they decided to fit me with an IV drip. It took several tries by two different people to get the cannula in. I feel like a human pin-cushion. FML

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

Today, my son got a beating. Apparently, he went to a club, waited until he saw a couple of girls pulling a duckface for a photo, then rushed over and threw pieces of bread at them. Their boyfriends, not too surprisingly, didn't appreciate this. I had to drive the idiot home from the hospital. FML

You little knob

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year-old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year-old woman, to tears. FML

Today, I told my husband that I didn't feel like he loved me. He looked away and replied, "Fair enough". FML

Today, at my grandparent's funeral, we were waiting for the pastor. He was fashionably late because he couldn't find his sunglasses and had gone to buy new ones. FML

Today, I had to explain what "cashback" was to a customer. She called me a liar and wanted to talk to a manager because she felt I made up the concept. I'm the manager. She wouldn't believe me and waited in the store for an hour. Apparently this is what a Masters degree gets me. FML

Today, after losing his job, I reassured my boyfriend by telling him I'd rather be with him living in a cardboard box than to be without him. He responded by telling me he'd rather be dead. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML

Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

Today, my girlfriend asked me where I've always wanted to settle down, and I told her that Italy had always appealed to me. She snorted and told me what a bad idea that was, because "you don't speak French". FML

Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

Today, I watched a manager and a co-worker sit underneath a table in our store all day as I got yelled at for not working hard enough. I was the only one actually working. FML

Toxic much?

Today, while out shopping, I could hear what sounded like two grown men talking about me, and they were being pretty gross. I turned around to scold them and it turned out being a dad and his 13-year-old son. He said he was, "teaching a son to be a man", and that my ass was "grounds for discussion." FML

Grammy award winner

Today, my husband played a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML

Today, I dyed a friend's hair dark brown. She assured me I didn't need gloves as the dye would wash off. It didn't. My shift as a server is in an hour and it looks like I've been working in a tire shop my whole life. Goodbye tips, hello angry customers not wanting me anywhere near their food. FML

Today, I met someone who works in radio advertising. Making conversation, I described an ad that I can't stand. He wrote it. FML

Today, I had a 5 hour exam. The exam guard had clearly eaten something funky, because she kept burping loudly. When I thought it couldn't get any worse, she started farting. FML

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while I was proposing. FML

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "He died" and walked off. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She then reminded me that I was at his funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML