Huzlers

Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

Kinda sus

Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML

Where are you? Oh, there you are

Today, I filed a missing persons report on my boyfriend. He was out fishing and then was supposed to meet me for a romantic weekend getaway. He never showed up and didn't respond to my texts. I found out, courtesy of a voicemail from the sheriff's department, that he'd broken up with me. FML

Unfinished Somniloquy

Today, I was in lying in bed with my boyfriend while he was asleep. He is going to school to be a doctor, and it appears that he says anatomical terms while asleep. My boyfriend can make me feel stupid in his sleep. FML

There you are

Today, at an aunt's wake, my five year-old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was from myself: a positive pregnancy test. FML

Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

Heated debate

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

What a cad!

Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML

Today, I left my book on the plane after I'd finished reading it. The flight attendant thought I'd forgotten it, so he chased me through the airport, past security, past customs, and past baggage claims. I didn't have the heart to tell him I left it on purpose. FML

Gross, so gross

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. After she left, they told me they disapprove of her because of her supposedly lower social class. Now I have to either dump her or lose the money they set aside to pay for my university tuition. FML

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

Today, while cashiering at the drug store, I saw my ex-boyfriend, who I'm still completely in love with. Being the only cashier, I had to ring him up. He was buying condoms. FML

Goof

Today, I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. I was the first one to walk down the aisle, where I managed to trip over a wire, shutting off the music and falling on my face. My family cheered and took pictures. FML

Today, I started my dream job of being a veterinarian. My first day consisted of having to put down 12 dogs and 5 cats. FML

Today, my fiancé told me that the thought of having sex with a pregnant woman repulsed him. I'm pregnant. He's glad he got that off his chest FML

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

Today, I was visiting family in Oregon. I did not know it was illegal to pump your own gas; the cops were involved. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had amazing make-up sex after a huge fight. Turns out he forgot to let me know it was actually break-up sex. FML