cocainewhore

Today, my fiancé proposed to me at the movies. The movie stopped in the middle, and my fiancé stands up, takes out a microphone and announces to the entire theatre that he loves me. Right when he went on one knee, someone shouts, "Turn the movie back on!", and throws a cup of coke at my head. FML

Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

It's certainly some sort of proposal

Today, I thought my boyfriend of six years was going to propose to me. We're high school sweethearts and he was my first. Just as he was looking into my eyes he said, "I've been seeing someone else for two years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision." FML

Today, I got sick in the airsick bag as my flight landed. The woman next to me, trying to make me feel better, says "Don't handle landings too well?" I responded "No, I actually fly fine, I'm just 8 weeks pregnant." She looked at my left hand, noticed no ring, rolled her eyes and looked away. FML

Awkward

Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that I reminded her of her dad. FML

Awwww

Today, I asked my kids how much they loved me. My seven year-old responded, 'I'll love you forever mummy.' My sixteen year-old responded, 'Can you wind down the window, I just farted.' FML

Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML

Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said, "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw." It was my dad. He was at my boyfriend's parents' house and forgot his phone. FML

Today, I got married. My mother told me to stop being difficult, because she was the mother of the bride, and it was her day to shine. FML

Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend lied about being on the pill four months ago. FML

Today, I was loading a very large box into my hatchback. I was really struggling, and a few people walked by and laughed. Then a car pulled up and waited for the spot. There isn't a spring to hold my trunk open, so it slammed onto my head. Twice. The car honked for me to hurry up. FML

Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past couple months broke it off with me. She said she's tired of waiting around for me and being ignored in the mean time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so greedy as to finish my 2 degrees and work 2 jobs to pay for my school. How selfish of me. FML

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

Manchild

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. Up until now, I thought my cat was the only four year-old I had to deal with. FML

Today, my boyfriend woke up to the flash of a camera. It was his mother taking pictures of my shoe print on his window sill and night stand. She said she was collecting evidence proving I snuck in through his window last night. FML

Today, I was recovering from an operation. After I felt better, I checked my phone. There were 35 missed calls and angry text messages from my boyfriend asking why I wasn't at his house to cook his dinner. FML

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

Today, I found out that the reason I'm working as a kitchen staff instead of out on the floor of the café is because the boss does not think I'm attractive enough. My boss is my brother. FML

Today, I was on the phone with my girlfriend. Just as she said "I love you", the credit on my phone runs out. She now thinks that I've purposely hung up on her. She refuses to speak to me until I tell her the real reason I hung up. FML

You OK dude?

Today, while working as a hotel guard, I found a homeless man lying in the grass. I asked him to move and he ignored me, continuing to lie there with his head resting on his arms and a big smile on his face. I got annoyed and started to yell at him. After a few minutes, I realized he was dead. FML

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML

Today, I found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person. If that wasn't bad enough, he also tells me he hopes I don't have it too, because it can be passed down. He said this because I'm 29 weeks pregnant. FML

Sex Ed is broken

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

So generous

Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML

Use the force

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

How could you?

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML