WViking

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

Today, the Vuvuzela that my brother ordered online was delivered to our house. FML

Precious memories

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was, "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me, and then asked if I'd give him head one last time before he left. FML

Today, I was late to work because the metro broke down. Yesterday I was late to work because the train in front of me broke down. The week before that I was late to work because the swat team shut the entire metro station down. Even the interns think I'm making this up. FML

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to put some streamers on my bike handles, even though I knew they would probably be stolen fairly quickly. I went into a restaurant to eat, and when I came out both my wheels were gone, but at least the streamers were still there. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight. Doubting our relationship, I asked him seriously if he loved me. He looked thoughtful, gathered me in his arms and said, "If I say yes, will you be less pissed?" and then tried to stick his hand down my pants. FML

Lost

Today, after being at summer camp for two weeks, my parents never showed up to take me home. A counselor had to drive me. FML

Today, I was at a new shopping mall. After an hour, I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Spotting one, I ran inside, locked myself in a cubicle and relieved myself. The toilet paper was out so I knocked on the cubicle beside me to ask for some. A lady's voice answered. She needed some too. FML

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

Today, I got my sister to pluck my eyebrows. She shaped them wrong, so now I look constantly sad. FML

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

Instant cure

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

Emotional

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML