ed311

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six-month anniversary. And by that, I mean he brought along his obnoxious best friend, and I paid for everyone's dinner at an expensive restaurant. FML

Chancer

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

Today, I got yelled at by a bleeding-heart hippy in the restroom for using paper towels. Apparently I'm a "tree-hating, paper-wasting bitch". I had a nosebleed. FML

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

Trading places

Today, my date ditched me and showed up with another guy at the same restaurant. She even tried to take the reservation. FML

Today, we spent an entire day without being able to do work because our internet connection was down. Turns out, only the router had crashed and nobody bothered to reset it "to avoid doing further damage". FML

Today, my psychotic, very jealous ex-boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and punched a male store clerk who was helping me look for azaleas in a garden center. FML

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

Today, my mother is so overdramatic that her response to finding out I lost a friend's book was that I should fake my own death rather than fess up. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, only for her to slap me, throwing the "fake ring" away and storming off, convinced it was a cruel joke. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. When I happily told my dad, he kept asking if I'd consider taking back my ex. FML

Today, while running an event, my belt loop got caught in those metal whorls that outdoor chairs have. I couldn't get it undone and had to greet guests by standing up and bringing the chair with me, hanging from my ass. My coworker finally had to cut the belt loop to set me free. FML

Romance is dead

Today, I thought I would be cute for my one year anniversary with my girlfriend, so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML

Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML

Today, my wife yelled at me for being a bastard and not caring about her needs. I felt like an asshole and apologized for everything. It took me a few hours to realize I'd basically just apologized for unknowingly hanging the toilet paper the "wrong way" for her OCD. FML

Today, I got in an argument with my teacher for always comparing me to my sister that she had a few years before. After I said, "I'm not my sister so please stop comparing me to her," she responded, "Of course you're not your sister, I actually like your sister." FML

Orwellian nightmare

Today, while reading "1984" on the train, a cute guy around my age and I got into a great a discussion about the book. Just when I thought he might ask for my number, he got up, patted me on the head and said it's so nice that kids my age still took interest in real literature. I'm 25. FML

Today, after my first day at work at a local daycare, I found out that I'm not entitled to breaks because I'm the only worker there who doesn't smoke. My boss asked me, ''What do you need a break for?'' FML

Today, I overheard my co-workers talking about how they don't need flu shots because everyone else gets them. These people are in the medical industry. FML

Today, my daughter admitted to me that the only reason she's nice to me is because I give her money. She's six. FML

Stealth

Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML

Today, my daughter mentioned that she didn't need to work because she could convert a dollar to 13 Mexican pesos and convert it back into "13 USD", over and over again. She's 17. FML

Today, I overheard my son mutter to himself, "If Hitler could do it to that many people, so could I..." Anyone recommend a good psychiatrist? FML

Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

Uncertainty

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

Too little, too late

Today, I finally went to Home Depot to buy a chainsaw to cut down the tree leaning dangerously over my garage. When I got home, I found the tree had fallen and taken out the roof while I was shopping. FML