Monsieur 26 ans Célibataire
Today, everyone at the office was finally presented with the bonuses our boss had promised to pay us by the end of last year. Turns out he was never authorized to promise any such thing, so he ended up just giving us signed "thank you" letters instead. FML
Today, I found out my neighbor collects body-bags. FML
Today, one of my year 9 students finished the test an hour early. He decided to spend the time by "stealthily" whacking off. His entire desk was shaking in a silent room. FML
Today, I had to take my daughter home from school because she had been caught flashing the boys during class. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't an appropriate way to act or behave but she interrupted me, "Mom, you don't even understand." You're right. I don't. FML
Today, I woke to my drunk mother trying to vacuum the lawn. FML
Today, at school, I got seated in front of the resident creepy kid that everyone stays away from. I was pretty relieved to get through most of the class with no incidents, until the bell rang and he tore out a chunk of my hair, yelling, "DNA! DNA!" FML
Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML
Today, I walked a student to an office on the other side of the school. I'm the kind of person who would rather make conversation than endure awkward silence, so I tried to talk to him. He just stared intently at my chest the whole time. FML
Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML
Today, I babysat the brattiest and most foul-mouthed 8-year-old I've ever met. After I survived three hours of it, his parents finally came home. He claimed I'd invited a boy over and that we did "stuff" on the couch all evening. They believed him. I didn't get paid, to say the least. FML
Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML
Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML
Today, my family and I were on a road trip. Everything was fine until we discovered that my dad, the driver, was not only fast asleep, he was also snoring. We were in the middle of the highway. FML
Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML
Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Today, I was screamed at by a lady for riding my bike too slowly in front of her car. I was in the bike lane, and so was she. FML
Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML
Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of Doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the Doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML
Today, I spent the whole day doing a 500 piece puzzle. The last piece didn't fit. FML
Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML
Today, I had to explain what "cashback" was to a customer. She called me a liar and wanted to talk to a manager because she felt I made up the concept. I'm the manager. She wouldn't believe me and waited in the store for an hour. Apparently this is what a Masters degree gets me. FML
Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML
Today, on my first day as a lifeguard, a man had a heart attack in the pool. I jumped in, pulled him out, and even went to the hospital with him. He seemed genuinely offended, saying "You should've let me die." FML
Today, I hit rock bottom; I watched one of those shitty infomercial channels, without even being forced into it at gunpoint. Even worse is that I practically creamed myself over a damn fruit juicer, all because it was 50% off and I could actually afford it. FML
Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML
Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML
Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML
Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year-old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML
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