FamousPeace

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend's cat for staring at me, then cried about it for an hour. Pregnancy life. FML

Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

Skids

Today, I walked into my house with a couple of friends and I saw my girlfriend doing laundry. I jokingly asked her if she had time to do a load of mine as well. She scoffed and said, "Yeah babe, I'll gladly do your laundry… The same day you learn to wipe properly." FML

Today, I was grading work my students had done with a sub. I realized one student had gotten hold of the teachers' edition of the textbook when I read ten papers in a row that had "Student answers may vary" as the answer to problem number four. My students can't even cheat properly. FML

Today, I was stuck in the elevator for almost two hours. Where was the elevator mechanic? Next to me in the elevator. FML

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML

My fault, somewhat

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someone's neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage, but I guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

Today, my girlfriend, who I've been dating for over a year, was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. That's when I saw she'd packed 10 condoms with her. FML

It's good for the planet

Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

Today, I witnessed a horrible car accident and was interviewed by the local news. During the interview I said, "It was terrible. It was like watching a silent movie... but there was sound!" The interview has been aired 6 times. FML

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

Oh no…

Today, I snuck into my brother's room to scare him. Just as I was about to go for it, his girlfriend calls. I had to sit there motionless listening to my brother having phone sex, then wait for him to go to sleep and sneak back out to pretend it never happened. FML

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML

Today, I went for a hike with my new boyfriend on a fairly deserted trail my ex-husband had shown me awhile back. In all my hikes there, I've never seen another person and figured it would be okay to get intimate. Guess who came hiking past? That's right, my ex-husband. And our 8yr old son. FML

Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML

Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML

Karma

Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML

Perfect timing

Today, I left work at 11pm. It was cold and dark, and I was anxious to get home, so I cut across some soccer fields to get to my car. About halfway across, the sprinklers came on. FML

Honk honk

Today, I was on Tiger TV, our high school's monthly TV program, which was shown at lunch today. I was being interviewed and at one point the reporter made me laugh. I have a goose laugh so everyone in the lunchroom started laughing. Then they played it in slow motion. Twice. FML

Today, I walked into Jamba Juice like I do every day. I decided to order something different than I usually do, and was flattered when the cashier recognized me. Then he switched places with another employee, and from the back room I heard, "Hey, ugly's back again." FML

Today, I went to IHOP for breakfast. As we were leaving, I realized a little girl took my Hello Kitty hairclip. For the next 5 minutes, I fought with an 8 year-old for a hairclip. She won. FML

Today, my boss fired me because he said I was spending too much time surfing the internet. When I reminded him that my work computer isn't even networked, he said, "Oh, sorry, you're the one who takes too many smoke breaks." When I told him that I don't even smoke, he said, "Just go..." FML

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

Kinda sus

Today, my toddler stood up in a shopping cart and fell, giving himself a black eye. Later, while at a restaurant, he tried to stand up in his high-chair. I quickly blurted out, "Sit down! Do you want another one of those?" while pointing at his eye. The waiter wouldn’t stop glaring at me. FML

Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML

Today, I was walking to the shops when I saw my friend about 10 metres in front of me, waiting at the traffic lights, by herself. Jokingly, I shouted out "Who's that really ugly person waiting at the lights?" The girl turned around. It wasn't my friend. FML

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML