FamousPeace

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

Today, I was in the middle of walking home when I saw an old woman trying to get away from what looked like a mugger. I go over and try to help her out and get the man off of her, which was successful. Turns out she was having a heart attack and the man was a doctor. FML

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

It's not what you think…

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserts dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said, "How do you like that?" Then my mom walked in. FML

Mix up

Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages, she said, "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said, "But it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML

Leave me alone

Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him that I had none, he yelled angrily, "Who comes to this city without money?" I replied, "Apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FML

Today, I was at the Wild Animal Park. There were bees everywhere. One brave bee, thinking he was Mr. Macho, flew right down my tank top in between my boobs. I freaked the hell out and ended up screaming and pulling down my shirt to get the bee out. I flashed about 10 kids and their families. FML

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

Happy meal

Today, I was eating lunch outside with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

Catty

Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on Facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "No one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML

Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

Role play

Today, my wife and I decided to try role-playing. I started cleaning the pool. waiting for her to come out and be sexy, but she never did. I'd cleaned the entire pool before going into the house to ask why she never came out. She said she tricked me into cleaning the pool. FML

Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

Today, I discovered that I have been falsely accusing my sister of stealing my makeup. How do I know this? Because I found said makeup in the trunk of my boyfriend's car, next to a bag that had fishnet tights and red stilettos in it. Oh, and the stilettos are his size, in case you were wondering. FML

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML

Go deep

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

Today, at Walmart, a woman kept screaming at her husband for the most ridiculous reasons. My friend snickered that she must be on her period, prompting her to whirl around, storm over, and slap the hell out of me, thinking I was the one who said it. FML

Today, my husband was getting undressed. I told my 2-year-old daughter not to go in our bedroom because he was undressing in there. I turned my back and she instantly ran off to my bedroom. I heard her shout "I can see daddy's tail!" Now, she points to everyone's crotch and shouts "TAIL!" FML

Today, my family and I were having turkey for dinner. My boyfriend leaned in towards me and muttered, "I'll stuff your turkey later". Everyone heard and the whole room went dead silent. FML