Today, I lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams. I could tell she really enjoyed it, because she muttered, "Well, that was disappointing." afterwards, then got dressed, said she'd made a huge mistake, and asked me not to call her again. Yep, total stud. FML
Today, I clogged the toilet in the one-man bathroom at the corner store, with a line of about 5 people waiting outside. FML
Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML
Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML
Today, my pinky finger found out how much a king size bed weighs. FML
Today, a woman at the retirement home I work at told me she was new and asked me a few questions. I asked her when she moved in. She was a new coworker, not a new resident. FML
Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML
Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML
Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML
Today, my boss bitched me out for violating workplace privacy, after he found an FML post from last year that eerily resembled a situation that happened the same year. He thought I posted it and twisted things to make him look like an idiot. I've never posted here in my life. FML
Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, my boyfriend surprised me by offering me a foot massage to ease my sore feet after a run. I asked for a lot of pressure. Now I'm back home in a walking boot after being diagnosed with a fractured fifth metatarsal bone. FML
Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML
Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML
Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health, and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML
Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered, "Fucking tryhard." FML
Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML
Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML
Today, I spent an hour trying to sleep before work, but I couldn't because my two dogs wouldn't stop barking. Completely pissed off, I finally went and told the little fuck nuggets to shut the shit up. I was then immediately knocked unconscious by the burglar in my house. FML
Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML
Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML
Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML
Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML
Today, I took a phone call in the bathroom, since the rest of the house was too noisy. I sat down on the toilet and waited while they put me on hold. After a while, I must have forgotten the lid was down and my pants were still on, because I started peeing myself. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML
Today, my cousin's husband argued adamantly that the Earth doesn't rotate, and treated me like an idiot when I explained why he was wrong. Not even a video from space of the Earth rotating convinced him. This idiot is a teacher. FML
Today, I had my daughter babysit her two-year-old brother while I went out with my husband. I told her not to let him out of her sight. She certainly did as I said; when I tuned into our internet-enabled baby monitor, I heard her and some guy having sex in the room. FML
Today, my boss broke off our relationship because he said it's inappropriate. I really liked him, but I accepted it and respected his integrity. A few hours later, I found out he's now dating my colleague. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
