phew_fml

Today, I found out why my dad always treated me badly as a kid compared to my siblings. It's because I was conceived while my mom was cheating on him. On top of that, he made it clear that he still doesn't consider me a "real" part of the family. FML

Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML

Today, I went to see the school counselor to schedule my classes for school. She asked me if I knew how to speak English. My parents are Chinese and I don't even know how to speak Chinese. I've lived in America my whole life. Plus, I even spoke to her in English to ask about classes. FML

Customers from Hell

Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML

Freaked out

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

Today, I have a really high fever and my sister thought I was hot enough to fry an egg on. So I'm lying in bed now, still terribly feverish, but smelling of the egg she cracked on my back. FML

Paranoid

Today, I almost got fired from work because a customer complained that I "threw up gang signs" at him. I was blocking the sun from my eyes. FML

Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to store in order to find my birthday gift. What was he really doing? His girlfriend. FML

Today, my friend found on Tinder the profile of a guy I've been dating and getting quite serious with. I was surprised, not only because he'd told me he didn't do "stuff" like Facebook or Tinder, but because he lied about his job and his surname. Oh, and the fact that he got married in March. FML

Today, I complained to the train company online. I filled in information and added several photos as evidence. I only realised later that the photos I attached were nudes. FML

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

Due diligence

Today, I heard back from a company that I recently interviewed with. They told me I didn't get the job because "it was obvious that I had been coached." I wasn't. Sorry that I actually researched the company unlike the rest of the nitwit candidates. FML

Today, at my football game, I turned around to spit so that it would be away from my teammates. I ended up spitting on a 10-year-old kid walking behind me. FML

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

Nice try, Sharon

Today, my ex told me that she's 3 weeks pregnant with my child. Not only was she on her period when I broke up with her last week, her friend let me know that the positive pregnancy test she showed me was a fake that she'd bought online. FML

Today, I nearly had an anxiety attack trying to sneak up on my sister to silly-string her. FML

Today, I was stuck on a campus tour with my subtly racist mother who, in an attempt to seem open-minded, deemed it appropriate to refer to our black tour guide as "Sistah". FML

Today, we finished a sit-up test at school. I had been training for the athletic tests, so I was proud of my score. When someone asked what I got and I shared, proud, they responded with, "I bet it helps that your fat bounces you back up." FML

Full blast

Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML

Today, I texted my mom asking how she was doing. Apparently she's great, and on her honeymoon. I didn't know she was getting married, or that my parents had just gotten divorced. FML

Hear this?

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML

Today, I had to explain to my boss that using a wired connection instead of wifi won't stop his computer from getting viruses. He looked at me, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, like he was a 13-year-old boy and I was a pair of tits. Then he called me clueless and told me to get back to work. FML

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

Today, I confided to my boyfriend that I have a condition that causes me to grow thick toe hair. He now won't stop calling me "the sexy Hobbit." FML

Today, I was watching adult videos in my apartment. I'm deaf, so I didn't realize my volume was at full blast until I put my hand over the speaker. FML

Mah bawsac

Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML

Playing with fire

Today, my boss called me to inform me that I'm being laid off. In my ensuing fit of rage, I deleted the recent project I've been working on for weeks. Pretty soon after, he called me back to let me know it was a prank. FML

Double standard

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML