batman169

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

Dirty talk

Today, I was in bed with my boyfriend, in the middle of foreplay, and somehow out of my mouth came, "I want to be inside you." I'm a woman. FML

Today, I was driving home from work when I was pulled over by a cop. She asked why I was being pulled over and figuring she knew I said, "For swerving because of my alcohol problem." I had a broken tail light. FML

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial." FML

Bad kitty

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was, "Nice weather?" FML

TMI

Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML

Today, I admitted to my mother that I've had sex with my boyfriend. She seemed to handle it well, but when my boyfriend came over, she condemned him to hell in between asking him what he would like to have for dinner. FML

He bangs the drums

Today, after pulling up to my girlfriend's house for dinner with her parents, one of my favorite songs begin to play on the radio. After my 3 minutes of air drumming, I look up to see my girlfriend and her parents bouncing with laughter. FML

Today, the man who has been my stepfather for six years, has forgotten how old I am. However, he remembers exactly how much my real father owes him for child support. FML

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

Today, my dad explained to me the "chain of command" for our house. McKinley, Mom, himself, Charlie, then me. McKinley is my two year old daughter and Charlie is the dog. He was dead serious. FML

Master manipulator

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

Today, my 5 year old brother wanted to look through my phone. I know he can't read so I gave it to him. He was, however, able to get at my "private" photo album. FML

Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML

Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML

Make it rain

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

Dude! Boundaries!

Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML

Today, I was waiting for the bus while wearing my FML shirt. A passer-by stopped, stared at me for a moment, and said, "I agree, your life sucks." FML

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said "Smile if you take it in the ass." He then winked at me and walked off. FML

Today, my parents heard me leaving my room at 2 am, and freaked out because they thought I was sneaking out. I was too embarrassed to tell them that I was getting food instead of having a social life. FML

Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML

Today, I saw a man dancing to a Britney Spears song in his Volkswagen Beetle. I started laughing hysterically until he got out. He was huge. I was stuck in traffic. FML

Today, my brother lost his first tooth, so I told him the tooth fairy is going to give him money. He now thinks The Rock is going to show up in his room. FML

Mr Rogers

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

Regular boozehound

Today, I was addressed by name by the liquor store clerk. I've never told him my name. He's just seen my ID many times. FML

Today, I was working retail when a group of older gentlemen came in looking for a good sound system. I showed them a top-range system and gushed about it in detail, trying to close the sale. One of them snorted and said, "See Dave, girls like her are the reason ball gags were invented." FML

Today, I started a new blog that I've been planning for weeks. So far, the only comments I've received are a dozen spam links, two people correcting my grammar, and a lady telling me I'm going to burn in hell for calling the Pope a noob. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend that I would still care for her if she was a vegetable. She informed me that if I was a potato, she would cut me into chips. And fry me. FML